Not A Perfect LIfe - Life Coach For Wives Of Addicts

5 Ways To Suffer Strong

faith
August 7, 2021

Last week Katherine and Jay Wolfe spoke at our church. They shared their story about how they have and continue to suffer strong in the midst of the unwanted and horrific situations of the past that have brought them to where they are today.

Katherine shared a scripture that I wasn’t that familiar with. Isaiah 45:3 says, I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. That scripture reminds me of another one in Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.

I have clung to that scripture over the years when things happen that I don’t understand. As a wife of an addict, you probably find comfort in that verse too.

So, here are the 5 ways to suffer strong. 1. Suffer strong by looking for scripture verses like the ones above to see how to walk this out.

One of the things I have heard both Katherine and Jay say, and can be found in their book Suffer Strong, is this, “Suffering is not the end of the story. It’s the beginning of a new one”.

What a way to look at suffering. I mean let’s be honest, we all suffer from many different situations and circumstances in life. Relationships, addictions, finances and health issues are some of the things we are faced with every day. Sometimes these things are small and seem more normal, but other times, the pain and suffering is off the charts.

2. Find people to walk with you and more importantly, find people you can walk with.

I am reminded of a post I wrote a few years ago called Tattered Gifts, the things in life we neither ask for or want, and yet somehow they still manage to give us gifts that make us stronger and more tender hearted. Bad things happen to good people. How we look at things can make all the difference. Walking with someone else when you are going through a hard time is indeed a gift to not only that person, but perhaps a bigger gift to you.

3. Work to look at your situation differently. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you eyes to see.

There are things you have lost, especially if you are the wife of an addict, that you will never regain this side of heaven. I don’t know why you had to go through what you have endured. I don’t know why you have suffered the losses you have encountered but God can use these situations for your good and His glory. I don’t know how or when but I know He wants to and He is more than able.

4. Grieve the things you have lost, knowing that some things will never be recovered while you are here. Grieving well will allow you to move forward and embrace the one and only life you have been given. Live it well.

As hard as we try to avoid suffering, especially in the United States, and as entitled as we feel to have a trouble-free life, that rarely happens. Life isn’t about what happens to you as much as it is about how you respond. There are very few things that you can control but there is one thing that is in your power of influence and that is how to respond to whatever comes your way.

5. Always remember that you get to decide how to respond to any situation that comes your way. No matter how hard or painful, no matter if you had any hand in what has transpired, you get to choose how to respond.

Those are my 5 ways to suffer strong. I’m sure there are more ways than those five, so don’t stop here! Find some other ways and please, share them with me when you do.

You were created for a purpose and nothing that has happened in your life is a mistake. God can take the hard things and make them work for your good and His glory.

Click on Katherine‘s name to watch her share her story on Youtube or even better, go to Southeastchristian.org and watch (or listen) to Katherine and Jay share their story together. You will be inspired to live your life well.

Having A Daughter

Daughters
July 31, 2021

Thirty-one years ago I became a mother for the first time. I don’t often take the opportunity to reflect, but today was different.

I was thirty years old when my daughter was born. It was considered a high-risk pregnancy by the medical field due to my age. That’s kind of funny to think about now. Today a lot of women aren’t really in the planning stages about becoming a mother at that young age.

I remember going for a routine check on Friday afternoon. The doctors had been watching my blood pressure, swelling and other things that would indicate Toxemia, a condition in pregnancy, also known as pre-eclampsia, characterized by abrupt hypertension (a sharp rise in blood pressure), albuminuria (leakage of large amounts of the protein albumin into the urine) and edema (swelling) of the hands, feet, and face. Pre-eclampsia is the most common complication of pregnancy. It affects about 5% of pregnancies. It occurs in the third trimester of pregnancy according to Medicine.net.

At that Friday visit my blood pressure was high enough for the doctor to send me to the hospital, twelve days before due date. I wasn’t a happy camper, not relishing the fact that I would be restricted to bed rest, but off we went.

Shortly after arriving at the hospital and trying to get comfortable so I could sleep, I decided to make one more trip to the bathroom. While I was in there, I felt a strange sensation and suddenly the floor was extremely wet. Having no idea what it felt like when your water breaks, I hit the call button and told the nurse who answered that I thought my water had broken.

After arriving in my room and wading through the mess on the floor the nurse said, “You THINK your water broke? Honey, this is a flood”. I actually felt good knowing that it wasn’t a false alarm after all!

What ensued after that was a painful twenty-seven hour labor. Because my blood pressure was so high they put me on magnesium sulfate to keep me from stroking out. And since I was having no contractions they told me that if things hadn’t progressed by morning, they would begin inducing labor.

Things hadn’t progressed and so they did. Finally, because my baby was showing stress, they did an emergency C-section and our baby girl was here!

I thought I would have a boy, because there were mostly boys on both sides of our families, so I was elated when the doctor told us it was a girl. I immediately envisioned all the mother-daughter things we would do over the years, as my little girl was grew up.

Things don’t always work out the way you plan. I adored this precious, sweet and gentle baby I had been blessed with. She was an easy baby, except that she didn’t like naps and sleeping during the night wasn’t that great either, but besides that, she was a happy baby.

She had some developmental delays while growing up. She didn’t really talk until she was around six years old, in language that we understood anyway, and there were lots of pauses and repeating sounds when she did talk. There were motor skill and cognitive issues and tactical hypersensitivity too. But she was a joy!

All the dreams and plans, the things I thought would transpire, kind of didn’t as my mother-daughter dreams began to fade. Instead came plans and goals to enable her to better navigate life and all that entailed. It was not what I had envisioned, but some things seldom are.

That’s life, thinking one thing and pivoting when something goes awry. I am reminded of a quote credited to John Lennon, though I am pretty sure it originated somewhere else, “Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans”. So true.

The plans I had were different but not wrong. They were unexpected for me, but God knew. He had a plan. My daughter was very adaptable and learned a lot of things she may never had known without these issues she faced. Perhaps she would have never gotten involved in things she has a great passion for if it wasn’t for this adversity in her life. I have written about those things in My Daughter Is My Hero. I also wrote My Daughter, where I share a piece that she wrote about how she has learned to deal with the struggles in her life that she didn’t ask for.

From labor and delivery, even the timing of becoming pregnant, none of those things were MY plans or desires, but God sees the whole picture from His vantage point.

I’m not the only one who’s life has gone a different way than planned. You too have had hopes and dreams dashed as unexpected things turn your life upside-down. For that I am sorry for the pain it caused and the loss you experienced. I rejoice too in the benefits and life lessons you have gained because of the very same things.

May you find grace and peace to enjoy the blessings you have as you navigate the unplanned-for situations in your life.

3 Steps To Discover Purpose In Your Life

life
July 25, 2021

Determining what our purpose is in life can be one of the hardest questions that we will face. Here are 3 steps to discover purpose in your life by exploring your feelings and beliefs. The goal is to help you have a clearer understanding so you can begin to employ these things in your life to help give it meaning.

The three steps to the process of discovering the purpose of your life:

1. You Get To Choose
2. Know Your Core Values
3. Align your life with Your Core Values

You Get To Choose

Norman Vincent Peale said this about the power of choice. “The greatest power we have is
the power of choice. It is an actual fact, that if you have been groping under unhappiness, you
can choose to be joyous, instead. And, by effort, lift yourself into joy. If you tend to be fearful, you
can overcome that misery by choosing to have courage. The whole trend and the quality of
anyone’s life is determined by the choices that are made”.

“Choosing” is a God-given privilege. By making a choice, you are proclaiming your desires to your subconscious mind and to your spirit. Once the subconscious mind gets to know your desires, it starts to work to manifest them in your life. The choices you make in your life are important to not just you, but to the generations that will follow long after you are gone. We are leaving a legacy. With intentional actions you should be able to achieve those things you desire.

Indecision not only creates frustration and anxiety, but it is actually making a decision. The decision to not decide, which is a whole different topic Something to remember is that it is important to make choices that align with your values. You will have a lot less grief and angst in your life if you are truly living out your core beliefs.

There are times when we let others make choices for us, or make our choices according to what we think other people want us to do, which isn’t always living out our values. If you’re in a relationship or have a family, then you need to consider those people without letting them dictate what you should do. Balancing that can be challenging but doable. We have the Holy Spirit to guide us along the path we are to take. Psalm 37:4 says; Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart (ESV).

Know Your Core Values

The second step is to examine your life and see what makes you feel alive. This will help to determine your core values. And while we’re on the topic, do you have a mission statement for your life? Businesses, churches and other organizations have mission statements. It comes in handy when making decisions. Some individuals have mission statements for their lives as well. It just makes sense to do so.

Here are a few things to look for when determining what your core values are to help craft a mission statement. How do you show up in your life? What gives your life meaning and purpose? What is your passion? What is it that you
love to do? Try to put that in a short and precise statement. You can even use a quote, or a philosophy that has influenced you. The Bible and the way Jesus lived His life is a great place to look and model.

Your mission statement tends to change as you grow and try new things but the underlying theme typically stays the same. Have fun with it and let me know what you come up with!

Align Your LIFE With Your Core Values

The next step is to map out your ultimate purpose and to begin implementing changes that help to align your daily life with your core values once you discover what they are and have a mission statement in place. Maybe the things you will implement is a job change or volunteering somewhere. Maybe you will decide to move or downsize or start your own business. By making small changes in your life, you will start to see how much easier it is to make important life decisions. Becoming intentional about how you live your life will make a world of difference. Life is short. This is a perfect time to use the 3 steps to discover purpose in your life.

And there you go! If you decide to use these 3 steps, you will be making progress to be who God created you to be. And after all, is there anything more important than that?

When You Feel Alone

faith
July 17, 2021

It is so easy to become discouraged based on what we believe, or what we think we believe. Sometimes it seems like the gospel and our version of the gospel are lightyears apart.

Am I the only one?

It’s hard to deal with this world full of sin, the sin in our lives, and the hardest of all is the sin in our hearts, because sometimes the heart can be very deceiving.

I’m not talking about a particular sin necessarily, though there is that. I am talking about the propensity for sin to dwell in our hearts at all times because we live in a fallen world.

Paul said it well when he wrote, that which I want to do, I don’t, and that which I desire not to do, I somehow do it anyway (loose paraphrase). We would rather turn away and not think about those things, because in our humanness, we assume God feels that way too.

But here’s the thing…God doesn’t see us that way at all. He doesn’t look at us and see sin. He looks at us and sees the redemptive work of Jesus. That’s why Jesus came and did the thing He did.

It’s easy to forget the death and resurrection of Jesus and look instead on the everydayness of our busy lives, and at all the times we seemingly fail, dwelling on the things we do “wrong”. When things are spiraling out of control and our lives get really messy, we can begin to wonder where God is and what He is doing, and why He is allowing this to happen. It’s natural but there is another way.

That is the reason I love Psalm 139. All of it, but for this purpose, verse 16 stands out to me, “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, everyone of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”

If this says what I think it say, and I’m pretty sure it does, Every. Single. Day that we live, with all the troubles we have encountered…ALL of it is written in God’s book before we even lived one day.

There is nothing you have faced or will face in the future that surprises God. Nothing. He has crafted your story, all the events and all the people who play a part in your life. Yes, even THAT one has been placed in your life for a reason and purpose above anything we can fathom because His ways are higher than ours.

And here’s the real kicker, He has written the end of your story too.

That’s the part that often trips me up. It’s easier for me to go along with the journey, trusting in God to do what He wants to do for my good and His glory, but I don’t always trust Him with the end of the story.

Am I the only one?

If we really believe what we say we believe, and we really believe in this sovereign God who created the universe, then why is it so hard to trust Him with the end of our stories and with all the tales that make up our stories?

Am I the only one?

If you are anything like me and you sometimes get tripped up in the whys and what fors, you might find comfort in knowing that you are not the only one.

Lord, help us to trust in You, even when it’s hard and we have no idea what or why. Help us to trust in You not just with our stories but with how our story ends as well, for our good and Your glory always. Amen.

Where do you turn when you feel alone? Who do you trust when you feel alone? Where do you put your hope?

Talking With Madison About Alopecia

life
June 30, 2021

My last post was about me going gray Really though, it was about Madison, my amazing niece who is dealing with Alopecia. She graciously agreed to answer a few questions I had and I’m very excited to share it here!

I hope you learn a little about this issue, because it’s important. This is a real issue that affects young women mostly, and it’s hard to imagine going through this without knowledge and support. What I want you to see the most is how Madison has embraced this as an opportunity, and her heart to help others on their journey. I stand amazed with how Madison is handling it all.

Going Gray Daily

life
June 24, 2021

I am going gray daily. I have been going gray for about twenty years now, but I kept choosing to cover it with whatever color my hairdresser recommended… every five weeks. We’re all going gray really. We’re just on different parts of the journey. Some may choose to continue to color till they leave this world. It’s a personal choice.

I wrote about this going gray thing a few years ago. That post is called It’s Okay To Go Gray. There are helpful tips and articles I read while making the final decision to go natural like Going Gray Gracefully and I couldn’t help but follow Lisa Bevere on Insta with her going gray journey.

I’ve always said I was going to go gray when I turned sixty. Sixty happened to me in January of 2020. I was wavering a bit once I hit the big 6 0, but I still had my eyes fixed on the goal. Then Covid hit and the world stopped.

A lot of women were sporting gray in various forms of the growing-out process during 2020. It seemed like a logical time to go gray because salons were closed, but I couldn’t make myself do it. It seemed like the choice to go gray was being taken from me or forced upon me because of the restrictions we had due to the virus. That was NOT what I wanted, so I kept the color going.

When I turned sixty-one a few months ago, I started seeing some more definite wrinkles on my face that I hadn’t noticed before. And then there were the straggly gray hairs that were slowly mixing in with my original colored eyebrows. I feel like no one told me about that little life event, but hey, I’m not bitter.

Turning sixty-one seemed like the perfect time to go gray. I was all in. Even when my very beautiful, trendy and fashionable hair dresser told me I was too young, I stuck to my guns and we did the thing, or rather we didn’t do it, because, y’all, I have a lot of gray hair coming through.

But I got to tell you what finally helped me make up my mind. It was

Madison~

Madison is my beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, athletic, funny and talented niece. She tends to be on the quiet side but she makes her presence known when the need hits. This young woman is my hero in many ways, but this thing she is doing now, makes it even truer.

Madison is dealing with Alopecia, an auto immune, issue. A few years ago she started experiencing small bald spots on her very full head of hair. Her parents took her to the medical professionals and they started treatment. Things seemed to be getting better. Her hair was growing back and all was right with the world.

Until it wasn’t.

At the end of 2020, Madison started showing up at family events looking as cute as ever, but she was never without a bandana or cap of some kind on her head. It seemed that Madison was losing her hair again, in greater quantities.

How hard that must have been as a parent, seeing your child go through something as traumatic as this, knowing there wasn’t a thing they could do.

How difficult is has to be as a seventeen year old high school girl to lose her hair, something most girls that age put a lot of stock in.

Madison is handling this so gracefully and with such maturity and wisdom.

At the beginning of the year she chose to shave her head.

Madison has a huge support system around her. Not just her parents and other family members, but her friends too. So many of them showed up to be with her when she had her head shaved. One friend she has known since childhood chose to shave her head too.

I continue to be amazed as I watch Madison not only make the best of something she never wanted to go through or didn’t ask for, but to see her embracing it and bringing more awareness to people about Alopecia, and hopefully more acceptance. And the coolest thing of all is that she is using this adverse circumstance in her life to help other woman dealing with this issue to not feel so alone and different.

Madison is the reason I finally decided to go gray. I figured if she could do what she is doing, as well as she is doing it, then I, a sixty-one year old woman, could surely go gray.

I have a different outlook about going gray now than I have ever had. My hair, no matter what color it is, does not define me, much the same as Madison. It’s just hair and mine will grow back.

Seeing Madison embrace something that would throw most young women into a downward spiral, has had an impact on me to a depth that she will never know.

She is also having an impact on others too, and I’m pretty sure she may never know the extent of that either.

I am going gray because for me, it is time. I am choosing to let the courage and grace that my niece is displaying have that influence on me as well.

I am excited to share a video of me talking with Madison about her journey in the next week or so!

Photo creds of the pics of me and my gray hair goes to my other beautiful niece, pictured with Madison and me.

4 Things About Father’s Day

Family
June 20, 2021

June is known for several things like; the end of school, the official beginning of summer, my mother’s birthday (she may be reading this) and weddings, but honoring fathers ranks on the list of things that happen in June. There are 4 things about Father’s Day I want to share.

This yearly Sunday event in June will evoke a lot of different emotions in so many people (me included for a few reasons). It always does, and maybe more so this year because our emotional health as a whole is suffering as we step into the after-effects of the pandemic. I talked about that a little in my last post Do You Remember Your First Home?

Thursday night I attended church at Southeast Christian that kicked off our weekend services. The topic was, of course, Father’s Day. We are in a new series called At The Movies which we typically do in the summer. This weekend’s movie, in honor of Father’s Day, is I Can Only Imagine.

How appropriate.

How timely.

What a hard message for a lot of people.

Have you seen the movie? It is based on the life of Bart Millard, the writer of the hit song I Can Only Imagine, and also a founding member of the band Mercy Me. This movie has lots of trigger points based on all the main characters. It’s because of the movie and a few conversations I had about the movie that led me down the path to write this post;

4 Things About Father’s Day

It’s a hard day for those who can identify with Bart Millard. The childhood he endured with an angry and abusive father, and being abandoned as a young boy by his mother, who was also abused by his dad, will hit many people right where they live. It will dredge up memories long since buried, that were never fully dealt with, if they were even dealt with at all. Who wants to go back and relive that junk?
It’s a hard movie for people, both men and women alike, parents really, who feel they fell short in the nurturing department when it came to raising their kids. I get it. Parenting is a hard gig. No hand book, per se, with the exception of the Bible, THE guide book for life, but still, every kid is different. There is no one-size-fits-all manual when it comes to raising kids. It’s a learn-as-you-go, screw-up-along-the-way kind of adulting activity that leaves some folks feeling sub par at best.
There are people who have had the amazing opportunity to be raised by men who value family above everything, with the exception of their relationship with Jesus. The thought of that even now, causes me to pause in wonder. I could park on this one for a good long while. What makes some men choose to devote their lives to being the best husband and father they can be, while others tend to view it as just another thing, like work and household chores?
And let’s be honest, Father’s Day isn’t just about the dad we had, whether good or bad, absent or present. No, this day also represents the men we are married to, were married to, the father of our children or a man who in someway was/is significant in our lives. And, as a certified life coach of wives of addicts, I know how hard this day is. I also know that this day definitely does not rank up there as one of the top favorite days of those women.

Let’s be honest, Father’s Day is a great time to stay off of social media all together if you fall in the category of number 4. It’s not that we don’t appreciate all the good men in the lives of those we love and those we don’t know well. We do! We are glad there are men of integrity who devote their lives to their wives and families. It gives these women hope for their marriages and futures. But depending on the circumstances of what is transpiring in your life currently, looking at the posts on social can be hard.

I just couldn’t leave that unsaid. It’s what I do. It’s who I walk with. I see you. You are not crazy. You are not unworthy, petty or less-than in any way for having all the feelings that surround this day. Please hear that and hold it close to your heart as you go through Father’s Day.

Back to our dads, now. I had a pretty awesome dad. This is my second Father’s Day without him. He has been gone for a year and a half, and boy do I miss him. As I have written before in My Dad, I was blessed when it came to dads, so honoring fathers was always a good day for me. But it’s harder now because my dad is gone, which may be the case with some of you.

5. I know, I know! This post is called 4 Things About Father’s Day, but this one is a bonus! No matter what kind of father you had, and perhaps you had no dad at all that you knew of, you have a heavenly Father who loves you with a passion that knows no limits.

He is a Father who loves you with a fierce love beyond what any of us could ever imagine, or have ever experienced. He has promised to never leave you. Even when it looks like He doesn’t care, He is always working to make the tales of your life turn into a story for your good, and one that brings glory to Him.

I’m not sure where you are when it comes to Father’s Day or the whole dad thing in general. I know there are more than just 4 (or 5) things about Father’s Day than I mentioned. There are different situations and circumstances for us all, but most of us can relate to one of these categories.

Here’s one thing I DO know for sure; Father’s Day can dredge up all kinds of feels and memories. It can cause us to react to every-day normal things in a not-so-normal way without us even knowing why. That’s because our bodies store all the things, the good and the not so good alike, and even when we are unaware, we can react to something ordinary in an over-the-top kind of way, much like people who experience PTSD or C-PTSD.

I don’t know why or how that happens, but I know it does. So don’t be alarmed or caught off guard if that happens to you. You may think you are past the events of your childhood (and/or marriage), or it doesn’t matter anymore, or even that you’ve already dealt with it, and maybe you have, but traumatic things from our pasts have a way of popping up unannounced. And it may have nothing at all to do with your dad.

Where do you fit? How is Father’s Day for you? Do you relate to the 4 things about Father’s Day? Would you spend some time giving these 4 things thought or two, and if you’re brave, ask God to reveal to you how He wants to show up in your life as the father you never had.

Remember this; You Are Not Alone.

Do You Remember Your First Home?

When Life Gets Hard
June 17, 2021

My oldest son just bought his first house. He and his roommate, who just so happens to be my youngest son, are all settled in, with a little help from their friends.

My mind is drawn back to the time my husband and I bought our first house in 1984. What I remember most about that particular time in history was how we went about obtaining our mortgage loan.

Rates were high during that time, around 14% I think. We heard of a program for first time home buyers. There was a limited amount of loans of that nature, so in order to secure a loan with a lower interest rate, we had to stand in line…overnight…in January when the temperatures at that time were frigid.

And so we did. We talked with those in line who had dreams of their first homes dancing in their heads. That was the ONLY thing keeping them (and us) in that ever-growing, not-moving-until-morning-when-the-bank-opened line, in those deep-freeze temps.

We met a man while standing in line, whose loan officer had a camper on site. This couple took turns standing in that dark, cold line, splitting time in the hot, smoke-filled trailer to catch a wink or two.

We were invited to take advantage of the toasty home on wheels, and so we did.

I don’t remember all the particulars of that night, but I do know that the murmur went out just a few minutes after the bank opened that they had exhausted the funds they were allocated. No more money to lend.

We were heartbroken and exhausted.

Right after getting into bed to catch a few hours of sleep, our phone rang. It was our loan officer telling us of another bank with no lines and plenty of money to lend. And we were off!

A few months later, we moved into our first three bedroom, bath and a half on a crawl space home and I was ecstatic.

Life was hard up until that time. It continued to be hard even after we moved into our first adorable home. As I was thinking about my son moving into his first house, I can’t help but wonder if we would have know what life would hold in our futures, would we make the same choices?

Not just me but you too.

Would we drop the high school boyfriend that all our friends told us was a loser?

Would we skip college?

Would we accept the job? Move to the city? Marry the person?

Would we have stayed in the relationship, raised our kids differently, gone to church more?

If we could know our futures would we change our choices?

I know there are many different nuances to those questions that make it hard to answer. Because we don’t have the ability to know the future. And maybe it’s best if we don’t. We become the people we are today because of the experiences we had in the past. If we based our choices on the future, we would have missed out on some pretty amazing things.

Which brings me back to my son who bought a house.

I am excited for him. This house certainly doesn’t alter any difficult situations he may be navigating, nor does it promise utopia, because, although it is a wise investment, and just all-around cool, it’s simply a place to call home.

We get to make the choices for our lives that seem right at the time, and do the next thing when circumstances change. We get to experience all the things and grow in our relationships with others and most importantly with Jesus.

What life changes are you experiencing? Now that things are trending back to “normal” our society is finding a lot of angst of a different nature. We have just survived a year of unexpected, stressful lonely times filled with loss of different forms. So, how are you doing? How are you navigating this post pandemic season?

I am a certified life coach that helps wives of addicts find hope amid the chaos of living with an addict. But the difficult things have so much in common.

I am also an ordained minister. Let me know how I can pray for you or help you through this time of change.

Gone Too Soon

grief
May 24, 2021

Today I will attend the funeral of a young man who is gone too soon. I didn’t know him well. In fact, I haven’t seen him since his wedding day which was over eight years ago, but he was around when my kids were growing up and there’s just something about Those Childhood Friends, whether my own childhood, or that of my kids.

teen boy and elementary girl on swing

My heart is heavy for all of those who were close to this young man. His parents whose lives are forever changed. His wife and her family have a long road ahead as well, after the funeral and other-world happenings stop, and life resumes to a state of “normalness”. A new normal for them, so soon after the uncertainty of the last twenty plus months.

I will continue to pray for them as they begin to walk the journey without this man who is gone too soon.

Today marks the day the lives of my family changed forever. My younger brother died in a car accident at the age of eighteen, forty-one years ago. Another young man who was gone too soon. It happened the day after our youngest brother’s birthday which I have written about in A Tale Of Two Brothers. These two back-to-back days is a time of celebrating one brother while grieving the loss of another.

love, hope coach, life, authentic life, life coach, helping others grow, life, grief, grieving, God, living without a loved one

I often mention Psalm 139 in my writings. I cling to that chapter in the Bible because it seems so personal, so intimate. It is what I hold on to when life gets broke, and if truth be told, life feels broken often, not just for me and my family, but for many people that I know, and many more that I don’t.

If we are believers of the God who sent His Son to die in our place, and pay the price we could not, then we can’t ignore Psalm 139. When we, as human beings, try to make sense of the senseless, we have no choice but to look at Psalm 139.

When someone is gone too soon, we come face-to-face with the truth that God knew us before we were in our mothers’ wombs, and He knew the number of our days before each of us took our first breath.

Gone too soon is our perception of a person who left this world way earlier than we envisioned, and in ways we would never fathom, so it is hard to reconcile it with Psalm 139.

Gone too soon leaves some people doubting the goodness of God, and all that He says He is.

Gone too soon leaves us with questions unanswered because He is God and we are not.

Gone too soon hurts with a deep, empty pain that leaves us with feelings of insecurity as we face the future.

Gone too soon is hard to grapple with, but in order to live the next day and all the rest, we, as individuals, families and church bodies must wrestle with and journey down the path of questions until we come to the place where we know that God is still God whether we understand what is going on or not.

He is the God of gone too soon.

It’s a hard place, a lonely place surrounded by fellow grievers and those who are lifting us up as we struggle to take another breath or get out of bed the next day.

The God of gone too soon is loving and faithful. He won’t leave these people who morn the loss of this young man for one second as they choose, whether consciously or unconsciously, to do the next steps. And there are always next steps.

This day marks forty-one years for my gone too soon story. Perhaps it marks one for you too? Wherever you find yourself today, or another day that you identify as your gone too soon tale, let this time take you into a deeper relationship with Jesus, the Christ, the Son of the Living God.

Living In The Cracks

marriage
May 17, 2021

Have you ever hear of the phrase “in the cracks”? Let me give you a point of reference. Some of my writer friends who feel called to write, sometimes say they have to find the time to write. It’s like writing in the cracks of real life.

black walkway

What this phrase means to them when it comes to writing is that although they are passionate about writing, other things take precedence over that activity, such as diapers, homework and cooking dinner. All the everyday, mundane things that are required and necessary that have to come before writing, so they find time to write “in the cracks” while the baby is napping, while dinner is in the oven or while sitting in the car line to pick up the kids from school.

I was thinking along the lines of living in the cracks of life when it comes to chaos and dysfunction. All of your life isn’t dysfunctional. There is normalcy in many things amid the chaos. Even in your marriage. I get that you may live with an addict or alcoholic whether in active recovery or not, but there is still normalcy.

Even if your husband has relapsed, there is still life to live,

Kids to tend to.

Work to go to.

Life still happens whether there is chaos going on or not.

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With that in mind, how would it look for you to live in the cracks? What would you do in the cracks of your life that would nourish your soul? What can you do to feed your spirit that would make you feel alive?

white marble stairs in front of old building

It is so very important to be able to answer those questions because life isn’t all about recovery, addiction and chaos, even though, at times, it may seem like it.

You are more than the chaos. You are more than the dysfunction. You are more than whether your husband is acting out or not. You are more than the pain that the addiction has caused you.

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Please hear my heart. If you have gone through any of those things, I am not dismissing them at all, nor am I suggesting you dismiss either. I am not diminishing the horrific events that have taken place in your life. I know what you have gone through is far beyond any words you may have to express the depth of the grief you feel. I get that you may not be able to find the words to adequately describe the many ways these things have changed you and how you see the world.

But, just for a moment, imagine that you can detach from the things, from the events, from the pain, and find a place of peace and joy. What if you get to choose when you take those painful times off the shelves of your life to process them? What if you get to say how you will navigate and go forth with the one and only life you have been given to live?

Because, my friend, you do~

This may be a new concept for you, and perhaps even beyond your ability to grasp at the moment. I get that too. Maybe you are in the beginning stages of discovery or disclosure about the secret life you husband has kept hidden. The shock and trauma can take months to overcome, and your emotions an unpredictable amount of time to level out , but you will get past this. It doesn’t depend on what your husband chooses to do or not to do.

It doesn’t depend on whether you stay married or not.

The shock and trauma will become less prominent as you continue doing the things you need to do to heal.

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I want to encourage you too, that YOU get to choose how you respond and what comes next for you. It’s your life, and it’s your journey.

You get to decide.

As an ordained minister and certified life coach ( I prefer Hope Coach), I walk alongside wives of sex addicts and I would be honored to walk with you too. Reach out and let me know how I can help. And if you know of someone who would benefit from this post, would you please pass it on to them?

Thank you for reading, sharing and most importantly, living in the cracks of life.