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I Am Not

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I started the day with this thought; “What do you do when something is so big it will have to be all God, but it seems like, at the moment, it’s all you?”

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That’s where I was yesterday, in my thoughts, about my life. I can’t fathom how it’s suppose to go, much less work. I am required to make a choice. I don’t like the options. I am not equipped to be successful at any choice I make. And then it hit me, that’s exactly where I’m supposed to live. That is the place where I was supposed to land…and take root. I am not.

As much as it depends on me, I am ill-equipped. But it doesn’t depend on me. If I can stay there, then I’m good. Here’s the thing, though, I can’t stay there. It isn’t humanly possible. I can only desire to be there. I can only follow the Lord there. I can only stay open to what He desires to do and His will for my life because I am not.

Here’s the thing too…that applies to you as well.

As long as I am looking at my own strength and ability to do this mammoth thing in my life, I am defeated before I even begin. But if I choose to look to Him, (“When I am weak, I am strong”), when I choose to allow Him to do the work in my heart, minute by minute each and every day that I live, then I will find success. It’s only in Him. Because I am not.

And if that wasn’t enough of a way to begin my day, I read this in New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp’ “Your rest is not to be found in figuring your life out, but in trusting the One who has it all figured out for your good and His glory”.

And I was off again because I am not able on my own to do this thing.

I don’t have to have it all figured out, which is brilliant, because on a good day, I can’t even wrap my mind around the magnitude of it all. The beauty comes, indeed the rest comes from trusting the One Who knows me well, who knew me in my mother’s womb before I breathed my first breath. My strength, courage and my ability…my sufficiency comes only when “I trust in the One who has it all figured out for my good and His glory”.

Because I am not.

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In the Beginning God

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I was reminded this morning, I am reading New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp, that the first four words of the Bible are; “In the beginning, God. That pretty much sums it all up…this world, this life, our purpose and reason to exist. God.

In the beginning, God created everything, He is life, He gives purpose, He gives meaning

Why do we forget that, if we even know or acknowledge it at all? Why do we get all confused and caught up in our feelings and make life mean something it was never supposed to mean. Without those first four words; “In the beginning, God”, then life gets terribly mixed up and has a way of easily, conveniently and quickly going off the rails.

If we live our lives knowing that “In the beginning, God” we would easily find purpose and meaning. Decisions and life choices would come together and make more sense. Life would be filled with a lot less regrets. Because in the end, my decisions and choices aren’t just about me. They affect a lot of people. Not all choices and not all people. Just the ones that matter most.

For 2021, if I could wish one thing for you, I would hope that you find meaning in your life, with all the trials and issues you face, because this is not a perfect life. It could very well start with; “In the beginning, God”.

Be still. and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10

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What If I Got It All Wrong?

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What if I missed it? What if I got it all wrong or looked at it the wrong way for, well…most of my adult life? What if you have too?

Don’t get me wrong, There is no condemnation. I am not here to bring hellfire and damnation. I am not here to lament and regret, wail and gnash teeth. But what if the things you have gone through are for a different reason than what you thought?

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I am here to explore the idea. Right here in this space. What if I missed what God was trying to show me all these years, and am just now seeing clearly? I’m not saying that I’ve missed it all, that I haven’t grown in my relationship with Jesus, but what if what He has been showing me along the way has led me to this place that I never even considered?

God has been peeling back the layers, gently, slowly, sweetly, because He knows me.

I’m not saying this is what’s going on in YOUR life, because I don’t know you that well. But I know Him, or at least I’m coming to know who He is more intimately in my life as I follow after Him.

The sermon at my church last Sunday was really good. Matt Reagan, the associate pastor at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky, used an analogy of a house renovation with allowing God to rework our lives.

 

It was a really good sermon because of his really good analogy. It’s hard work, tearing up a room to make it better. It’s messy work. Matt said that for he and his wife, the mess is worth it as long as they can live with the mess while keeping their eyes on the goal…the new room. To recap what Matt said:

Renovations are hard and messy. The Father (Son and Holy Spirit) are not overwhelmed, mad or confused about the renovations that need to be done in lives and our hearts. He is looking to the finished product of who we are becoming as we yield to the handy work He is doing. Matt also told us that whoever keeps the commands of the Father is the one who loves Him. Feed yourself on the Word of God, he said. Figure out what He is saying and follow Him. That is how our love for Him is measured.
This brings me back to the original question. What if the past few decades of my life wasn’t about what I thought it was? What if God was using those things to get me to the place He wants me to be…the place He needs me to be? What if I’m the only one who can fulfill the plan that He has for my life and the only way that can happen is if He renovates those things in my life that need to be changed.

 

It was hard at first, grasping this thing He is doing in my life. It’s not a new thing. I’m just looking at it from a totally different view point than I have ever looked before. What if, in spite of all the pain and stress of the things going on around me, He is bringing me to this new place on purpose, for His purpose.
What if He’s doing that in your life too?
What would that look like?
And how will you respond?

 

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Do You Hold On To The Past?

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I was going through some old stuff, things that make up a growing family. I was throwing things away that didn’t seem to matter and dividing the things that appeared to in piles for each family member to look at and decide if they wanted to keep what was rightfully theirs. My hope is to dwindle my keepsakes, but to be honest, if they don’t want them, I might still hold on to all the things of the past. So what is the point really?

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And another truth not to be overlooked is that one day (only God knows when) I will be called home and those people who are going through the stuff now, will be going through the stuff again when that day comes. That day will come for each of us, not matter how much we hold on.

Why do we hold on to stuff? I get not all people do. Some people take a picture and toss it into the trash as soon as the event is over. They may hold on in their hearts, but the commemorative is of no consequence.  Others don’t even bother with a photo of the memento. It’s over, in the trash, next!

I’m not one of those people.

I also get that I haven’t thought about some of those memories in a very long time, not until the stuff took me down the lane that holds the secrets to days gone by. Is that why I keep it, to be reminded of where I was, what I have grown through and how I felt in the moment?

Sometimes I have such a strong yearning for the things of the past that I can’t even find the words to express it. Some memories are so incredibly sweet that the longing grows stronger. Others leave me raw, ripped open wide and deep, pulsating with every breath I take.

While riffling through the boxes, piece by aged piece, I came across a quote I had written down to remember. As I read these words they resonated afresh and anew: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past”. (After doing research, I’m not sure who originally penned those words but I heard them from Anne Lamott).

Is that why we hold on to things, because we want to change the past? Is holding on to the tangible equivalent to holding on to the things that have come and gone, whether good or bad? Do these things represent holding on to what was and can never be changed?

I’m not sure if that is what I’m doing, but if so, then I pray; Dear Father God, help me to let go of anything that keeps me tied to the past. No matter how good or how bad, it is gone. All we have is today, this moment. Help me, help us to live in the moment and trust You with our whole hearts. Forgive us for holding on to the past because it was better than today, and forgive us for holding on to all the injustices, unfairness and abuse that has occurred in our lives. Those things keep us stuck. I don’t want to be stuck, Lord, but more importantly, You don’t want us stuck. Help us to open our hearts to what You have for us today. Amen.

What are you holding on to?

 

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Talking With TyiaLynn

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I have started having conversations with different people, like my friends Megan and Trevor

Please join in my conversation with TyiaLynn, the founder of Critically Loved. She shared the struggles of dealing with a critically ill child and is using all the education, family struggles, grief and anxiety that surround this issue to help other people going through similar situations.

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Please listen to see how you can support TyiaLynn is this needed ministry and listen with an ear to connect others in need to this amazing and most importantly, Jesus.

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I Still Believe

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“Even when I don’t believe, I still believe”. That’s a line from the song (and movie) by Jeremy Camp, I Still Believe. I’ve heard the line in that song like a gazillion times. but I finally heard it while watching the movie.

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Of course there is a scripture in the New Testament that says the same thing in a different way. Mark 9:24 says Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”

That line from the song resonated with where I am today and have often been in my life. Have you ever experienced something so big, so overwhelming that you couldn’t even pray more that these three words; “Lord, help me”? Yeah, me too.

There have been times in my life when it took every ounce of strength I had to utter those three words. I felt defeated and hopeless. I felt like giving up. But then it would hit me, where else would I go? Who else can do anything for me, to me, in me? No one but the only One Who can.

“Even when I don’t believe, I still believe.”

That line is fitting for the Covid 19 pandemic that we are currently experiencing. There are a lot of people and just as many opinions about the why and how of this extremely contagious virus. In the midst of all the chaos of the Coronavirsus people are turning to God that have written Him off a long time ago, for whatever reason.

On the other hand, this pandemic has caused many to wavier in their faith, wondering where God is in the midst of all the suffering and death. How could a loving God allow such a tragedy to happen, they wonder.

I get that, I do. I don’t know the answer to that question. I don’t know the answer to a lot of questions. Why were so many Jewish people abused and put to death for no other reason but their ethnicity? Why do innocence children fall into harm’s way? Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?

I’m not diminishing nor comparing. Horrible things happen to good people, and I don’t know why. But I choose to trust. What else is there really? In the chaos of this present day, and all the horrific times that have occurred before, “Even when I don’t believe, I still believe/”

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Legacy of a Father

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The last two weeks have been hard. Especially the week before Christmas, sitting in a hospital room in the ICU, waiting for my dad to leave this world. That was hard.

My dad was a unique and special man who lived his life well.

I have always known my dad was a good man but the full picture was made known to me last week. Stringing together his life and how he chose to live underlined, for me, the beauty of who my dad was. He took good care of my mom and loved her so well. His love for his family, immediate and extended (even in-laws ) was something I watched all my life. He was an amazing grandfather. My kids- all of his grandchildren- knew they were loved by him. Not because he did anything special, but simply because he always went out of his way to let them know they were loved.

I listened to all the kind words people said about my dad…at the visitation and the funeral, how special he was, I felt special to have had such a man for my dad. My dad left a legacy full of love for family, a life of faith, integrity, honesty and loyalty.

That’s when it hit me…not only do I have a rich heritage lived out before my eyes all during my life, but I am doubly blessed. I also have a legacy that is eternal. A legacy from the Father through Jesus Christ His Son, the most important legacy of them all.

The goodness of my earthly father doesn’t hold a candle to my heavenly Father. My earthly dad is gone from this world. I will see him again one day, but my heavenly Father…well He is always with me. He promised each of us that He would never leave us alone.

I find great comfort in that promise. This is a crazy, jacked up world. Anything can happen to anyone of us at any time and our time on earth will come to an end. It will you know. We’ve all been given a number of days that doesn’t eve compare to the life after this.

Two great legacies that I am honored to be a recipient of, but none as great as the eternal love of the Father above. For you and for me.

May 2020 be a year where you live intentionally in all that you do and love fully in all the special relationships in your lives. Most importantly, may you experience personally the love of the Father and find meaning and purpose through His Son Jesus.


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Lingering

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It seems that I am in a time of lingering. I guess life has many moments where we wait for something to take place. This lingering spot is new to me. Last week my dad teetered between life and death. There was a lot of watching; a lot of time spent in the hospital…lingering.

And now he’s gone.

We await the visitation and funeral which will happen after Christmas.

Lingering still…

Going through Christmas gatherings is a means to get to the good-bye days we will experience with this man we hold so dear in our hearts, as we hover between the two. There is little excitement for Christmas this year. It’s more like something to get past so we can say our formal good-byes to my dad. We each said our final good-bye while he was still with us, in body anyway.

This lingering is a foreshadow of sorts. We are all lingering. We are all growing older, and one day it will be my kids who feel what I’m feeling now. But here’s the thing, that’s the way it was designed before the first man took his first breath. God knew~

I’m not saying that I understand it all. Not even close. I AM saying that I don’t always like it. But I know that my dad believed with all his heart and soul that he would spend eternity with our Father and His Son, Jesus. I am my father’s daughter. I believe so too.

That is the hope that I hold onto, that not only will I see my dad and all my loved ones who have passed, but I will live with them forever. And this life that has way too many pains and sorrows for my taste, will be over.

I know the One Who gives life. I hope while you’re lingering here on earth, you will live your life with the end in mind and come to know the Father too, through a relationship with Jesus, His Son

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What Then? Part 2

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Continuing from the last post:

And that’s what makes this hard. It is sin. Just more acceptable because it can be dressed up, hidden or paraded about as righteousness. I am a sinner, the same as the person who has such obvious hatred in their hearts that they openly show it for all the world to see. I am the same as that person. I only look better because I do those things that the Lord has taught. I obey the law, attend church, spend time with God, tithe. I do all those things that make me holy, but they are as filthy rags. Because in my heart, if I am honest, I think God owes me a decent life because of my righteousness. As it is written: There is no one righteous, not even one. Romans 3:10.

Dang it!

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It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else, on a conscious level. I don’t. I’m a sinner saved by grace. That’s what makes this sin so deceptive. I don’t know what I don’t know. I truly love God. I desire to follow after His ways and seek to do His will. But in my heart, I am a sinner. In the deep recesses of my soul, there lies the things that I have neglected, but I didn’t know I wasn’t paying attention. There lies those “acceptable” sins because no one knows about them. Not even me, until recently.

This isn’t to heap additional guilt on you who probably already carry more than you were intended to carry. This isn’t to make me feel better about myself by exposing your hidden sins. This is to say; “Yeah, me too”. I have sin that I didn’t know was there. I look way more righteous than I am. Not because I set out to deceive you. I am deceived myself.

I have looked inside my heart because of the circumstances of my life and have found pride, resentment and a sense of entitlement that I had no idea was there. Thank you, Faces of Christ retreat and Charles Martin, author of What If It’s True? I could have gone on living just the way I was, thank you very much. Letting people think that I am holy, as He is holy because He abides in me, and I in Him.

I have looked at the ugliness that lives in my heart. I have even told others about this discovery. The first time was truly painful, but I have found that it gets easier each time I feel the need to share.

I’m tired of me and the junk in my life that keeps me stuck. I want to be free from the pettiness, and the shame of sin that so easily finds a place to dwell. And I think God for His love and grace because He wants that for me too. I think He wants it for you as well.

He wants us free to be who He created us to be:

Vessels of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus walking the earth today.

Conduits for His gifts.

Forgiveness for our sins. Those blatant, in your face kind of sins, and the ones we need never share.

Especially the ones we need never share.

 

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What Then?

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“What if we believed it was true? Every single word that Jesus ever spoke. Every word that is written and recorded in the Bible for our example, edification and encouragement. What if we believed that those words were written to withstand the test of time, and they are just as applicable to us who live today, as much as they were to those who lived in the times in which they were written?

What if we believed them that way?

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I have just finished listening to What If It’s True? a book by Charles Martin, for the second time. I have actually read parts of it as well, especially the prayers he wrote and placed at the end of each chapter. During this time of reading (listening) to this book, I attended a Faces of Christ retreat. Not what I expected, but in a good way. Well, let me qualify that statement…in a good way if you really want to look at the junk that has been tucked away in your heart for many years, that you have conveniently forgotten about because, well, it’s ugly, and if the truth be told, not as justifiable as you would like it to be.

Don’t get me wrong…I haven’t committed murder, adultery or broken any of the Ten Commandments. Wait, that’s not true. I am sinner, a human in desperate need of the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Me, the keeper of the Ten Commandments…well, the “big” ones, anyway.

Here’s the thing though, that has kept me from the truth buried in my heart, I have tried to live my life in such a way that will bring glory and honor to my Father whom I love and desire to serve with every fiber of my being. I spend time with Him, yielding my life and heart to what He says in His word, as to how I am to live and conduct my life.

Therein lies the problem. Because I have done those things that He taught, I have developed (and buried deep within) an entitlement mentality. I didn’t intend to do that. I didn’t even know it was there but, if truth be told, I think God owes me a good life, a decent one at the very least. I didn’t even that was folded deep inside my inner being.

But it’s true and it’s ugly.

It’s not something I want you or anyone else to know about me. Heck, I just realized this about myself and was quite shocked, but it’s there, nonetheless.

Why am I telling you these things? Why would I want you to know such prideful painful parts of who I am? I don’t really. I would rather you think that I am a holy servant of the Most High God. And I am and will continue to pursue Him as long as there is life in me. But I figure that if I have encountered these ugly, painful truths about myself, then I’m probably not the only one. Perhaps you, well, not you exactly, but maybe the person sitting beside you who is reading this post too, has had an inkling that maybe they harbor similar (acceptable) sins as well.”

I wrote the above post a few weeks ago but wasn’t sure how I was going to use it. I decided here was the perfect place. It’s a little longer than my usual posts so I will post the remainder of the article tomorrow, so come back and see how I wrap it up! 😉

 

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