Family | Not A Perfect LIfe

4 Things About Father’s Day

Family
June 20, 2021

June is known for several things like; the end of school, the official beginning of summer, my mother’s birthday (she may be reading this) and weddings, but honoring fathers ranks on the list of things that happen in June. There are 4 things about Father’s Day I want to share.

This yearly Sunday event in June will evoke a lot of different emotions in so many people (me included for a few reasons). It always does, and maybe more so this year because our emotional health as a whole is suffering as we step into the after-effects of the pandemic. I talked about that a little in my last post Do You Remember Your First Home?

Thursday night I attended church at Southeast Christian that kicked off our weekend services. The topic was, of course, Father’s Day. We are in a new series called At The Movies which we typically do in the summer. This weekend’s movie, in honor of Father’s Day, is I Can Only Imagine.

How appropriate.

How timely.

What a hard message for a lot of people.

Have you seen the movie? It is based on the life of Bart Millard, the writer of the hit song I Can Only Imagine, and also a founding member of the band Mercy Me. This movie has lots of trigger points based on all the main characters. It’s because of the movie and a few conversations I had about the movie that led me down the path to write this post;

4 Things About Father’s Day

It’s a hard day for those who can identify with Bart Millard. The childhood he endured with an angry and abusive father, and being abandoned as a young boy by his mother, who was also abused by his dad, will hit many people right where they live. It will dredge up memories long since buried, that were never fully dealt with, if they were even dealt with at all. Who wants to go back and relive that junk?
It’s a hard movie for people, both men and women alike, parents really, who feel they fell short in the nurturing department when it came to raising their kids. I get it. Parenting is a hard gig. No hand book, per se, with the exception of the Bible, THE guide book for life, but still, every kid is different. There is no one-size-fits-all manual when it comes to raising kids. It’s a learn-as-you-go, screw-up-along-the-way kind of adulting activity that leaves some folks feeling sub par at best.
There are people who have had the amazing opportunity to be raised by men who value family above everything, with the exception of their relationship with Jesus. The thought of that even now, causes me to pause in wonder. I could park on this one for a good long while. What makes some men choose to devote their lives to being the best husband and father they can be, while others tend to view it as just another thing, like work and household chores?
And let’s be honest, Father’s Day isn’t just about the dad we had, whether good or bad, absent or present. No, this day also represents the men we are married to, were married to, the father of our children or a man who in someway was/is significant in our lives. And, as a certified life coach of wives of addicts, I know how hard this day is. I also know that this day definitely does not rank up there as one of the top favorite days of those women.

Let’s be honest, Father’s Day is a great time to stay off of social media all together if you fall in the category of number 4. It’s not that we don’t appreciate all the good men in the lives of those we love and those we don’t know well. We do! We are glad there are men of integrity who devote their lives to their wives and families. It gives these women hope for their marriages and futures. But depending on the circumstances of what is transpiring in your life currently, looking at the posts on social can be hard.

I just couldn’t leave that unsaid. It’s what I do. It’s who I walk with. I see you. You are not crazy. You are not unworthy, petty or less-than in any way for having all the feelings that surround this day. Please hear that and hold it close to your heart as you go through Father’s Day.

Back to our dads, now. I had a pretty awesome dad. This is my second Father’s Day without him. He has been gone for a year and a half, and boy do I miss him. As I have written before in My Dad, I was blessed when it came to dads, so honoring fathers was always a good day for me. But it’s harder now because my dad is gone, which may be the case with some of you.

5. I know, I know! This post is called 4 Things About Father’s Day, but this one is a bonus! No matter what kind of father you had, and perhaps you had no dad at all that you knew of, you have a heavenly Father who loves you with a passion that knows no limits.

He is a Father who loves you with a fierce love beyond what any of us could ever imagine, or have ever experienced. He has promised to never leave you. Even when it looks like He doesn’t care, He is always working to make the tales of your life turn into a story for your good, and one that brings glory to Him.

I’m not sure where you are when it comes to Father’s Day or the whole dad thing in general. I know there are more than just 4 (or 5) things about Father’s Day than I mentioned. There are different situations and circumstances for us all, but most of us can relate to one of these categories.

Here’s one thing I DO know for sure; Father’s Day can dredge up all kinds of feels and memories. It can cause us to react to every-day normal things in a not-so-normal way without us even knowing why. That’s because our bodies store all the things, the good and the not so good alike, and even when we are unaware, we can react to something ordinary in an over-the-top kind of way, much like people who experience PTSD or C-PTSD.

I don’t know why or how that happens, but I know it does. So don’t be alarmed or caught off guard if that happens to you. You may think you are past the events of your childhood (and/or marriage), or it doesn’t matter anymore, or even that you’ve already dealt with it, and maybe you have, but traumatic things from our pasts have a way of popping up unannounced. And it may have nothing at all to do with your dad.

Where do you fit? How is Father’s Day for you? Do you relate to the 4 things about Father’s Day? Would you spend some time giving these 4 things thought or two, and if you’re brave, ask God to reveal to you how He wants to show up in your life as the father you never had.

Remember this; You Are Not Alone.

In Honor Of My Brother

Family
March 21, 2021

Today my little brother would have been fifty-nine years old. It’s hard to believe he would have been that old, but harder still to fathom him being gone for so long. I haven’t typically gone to the cemetery on his birthday or any other marked occasion, however, since my dad died, I go more often. My dad is buried on the other side of that stone. I called my mother to see if she wanted to go to and she did.

head stone in a cemetery

We stood at his grave and I asked her about his birth. I’m sure I have heard the details before but today, I wanted to honor him in a small way, so I listened to the story again.

I also found that I miss my dad a little more than usual today, as I think about my brother. It’s not morbid, really. It’s healing. They were a huge part of my life. Dad for almost sixty years and for that I am grateful. My brother only eighteen years, and I am grateful for those years as well, even though we didn’t always get along :).

Life passes so quickly. People we love leave us quickly, in one way or another, without much fanfare or to-do. That’s life.

Hug your people and hold them just a little closer today. In honor of my brother.

Mother’s Day And All The Rest

Family
May 10, 2020

I was remembering just yesterday my very first Mother’s Day in 1990. After ten years of marriage I was finally pregnant and grateful beyond words.

On that Mother’s Day in 1990 my husband and I gathered with my parents and my youngest brother after church to go to lunch. I remember as we were leaving the restaurant, the wait staff handed my mother a rose, and then they handed one to me. I was a little surprised. I wasn’t a mother yet, I thought, and I mumbled something to that effect, I was only expecting a baby in a few short months. I was assured by those around me that yes, I was a mother, and this was indeed my first Mother’s Day.

It did not seem right to me at the time. I hadn’t earned the right to that title. I hadn’t put in the sleepless nights while tending to a newborn or nursing a sick child no matter how serious or how long it took, knowing that my presence made them feel better.

I hadn’t worried over the hurt feelings of a child who had been left out of a game or a party. I hadn’t spent any nights pretending to sleep until I heard my teenager come in from a night out. I hadn’t done any of those things, and yet, I was a mother.

And then I thought of all those women who longed so desperately to become a mother and it never manifested as the years rolled by and the clock ticked on. I had been there myself for those ten long years full of heartache and dreams.

That’s when I knew that being a mother wasn’t about putting in the time or bringing a baby into the world. It was more about pouring into the life of a child regardless if you were the birth mother, a relative or someone who chose to love a child just because.

I was a part of a prayer group on Zoom, and one of the participants prayed a prayer over mothers–all women really, whether they were ever pregnant or gave birth to a child. The words spoken resonated as I remembered…

It may or may not take a village to raise a child, but it does take a willing heart, an open mind and a decision to love as a mother does, with her whole heart.

Are there times in your life of dysfunction and chaos due to the behavior of an addict or alcoholic, that you regret the way your kids were raised?

Do you long for a do-over because you know way more now about staying in your lane, and lovingly detaching than you did when your children were young?

It’s only natural given the way things are while living with an addict or alcoholic, and, living with someone who deals with mental health issues.

We grow into the things we need to know when living in chaos, no matter the cause. I would be willing to bet that you were a great mom, or you wouldn’t be reading this.

You loved your kids with a fierce love.

You did everything in your power at that time, to be the best mother you could be.

You are loving, kind and courageous. So, give yourself a break. No, go bigger than that. Pat yourself on the back for a job well-done. You were there, loving them the best you could. Protecting and nurturing. but most importantly, YOU WERE THERE.

If you struggle with the past, especially when it comes to how you mothered due to the chaos of addiction, let me know how I can help.

Legacy of a Father

faith
January 1, 2020

The last two weeks have been hard. Especially the week before Christmas, sitting in a hospital room in the ICU, waiting for my dad to leave this world. That was hard stuff but I am thinking about the legacy of a father, and my dad left a good one.

My dad was a unique and special man who lived his life well.

I have always known my dad was a good man but the full picture was made known to me last week. Stringing together his life and how he chose to live underlined, for me, the beauty of who my dad was.

He took good care of my mom and loved her so well. His love for his family, immediate and extended (even in-laws ) was something I watched all my life. He was an amazing grandfather. My kids- all of his grandchildren- knew they were loved by him. Not because he did anything special, but simply because he always went out of his way to let them know they were loved.

I listened to all the kind words people said about my dad at the visitation and the funeral, of how special he was. I felt special to have had such a man for my dad. My dad left a legacy of a father full of love for family, a life of faith, integrity, honesty and loyalty.

That’s when it hit me…not only do I have a rich heritage lived out before my eyes all during my life, but I am doubly blessed. I also have a legacy that is eternal. A legacy from the Father through Jesus Christ His Son, the most important legacy of them all.

The goodness of my earthly father doesn’t hold a candle to my heavenly Father. My earthly dad is gone from this world. I will see him again one day, but my heavenly Father, well He is always with me. He promised each of us that He would never leave us alone.

I find great comfort in that promise. This is a crazy, jacked up world. Anything can happen to anyone of us at any time and just like that, our time on earth will come to an end. It will you know. We’ve all been given a number of days that doesn’t even compare to the life after this one.

Two great legacies that I am honored to be a recipient of, but none as great as the eternal love of the Father above. For you and for me.

May 2020 be a year where you live intentionally in all that you do and love fully in all the special relationships in your lives. Most importantly, may you experience personally the love of the Father and find meaning and purpose through His Son Jesus.

Lingering

Family
December 23, 2019

It seems that I am in a time of lingering. I guess life has many moments where we wait for something to take place. This lingering spot is new to me. Last week my dad teetered between life and death. There was a lot of watching; a lot of time spent in the hospital…lingering.

And now he’s gone.

We await the visitation and funeral which will happen after Christmas.

Lingering still…

Going through Christmas gatherings is a means to get to the good-bye days we will experience with this man we hold so dear in our hearts, as we hover between the two.

There is little excitement for Christmas this year. It’s more like something to get past so we can say our formal good-byes to my dad. We each said our final good-bye while he was still with us, in body anyway.

This lingering is a foreshadow of sorts. We are all lingering. We are all growing older, and one day it will be my kids who feel what I’m feeling now. But here’s the thing, that’s the way it was designed before the first man took his first breath. God knew~

I’m not saying that I understand it all. Not even close. I AM saying that I don’t always like it. But I know that my dad believed with all his heart and soul that he would spend eternity with our Father and His Son, Jesus. I am my father’s daughter. I believe so too.

That is the hope that I hold onto, that not only will I see my dad and all my loved ones who have passed, but I will live with them forever. And this life that has way too many pains and sorrows for my taste, will be over.

I know the One Who gives life. I hope while you’re lingering here on earth, you will live your life with the end in mind and come to know the Father too, through a relationship with Jesus, His Son

A Tale Of Two Brothers

Family
May 24, 2019

I can never let this day pass without acknowledging these very two very important people in my life. This event forever reshaped my family. I am posting it again (for the fourth time, I think).

brothers, family, love, grief, loss, accident, car accident, surviving a sudden death, losing a brother, losing a family member suddenly

So much pain and suffering all around. The recent Oklahoma tornado victims so prevalent in our minds still; personal losses having nothing to do with natural disasters; and broken homes. The Manchester incident is the most present, mind-boggling, senseless act of violence that has left the world reeling and wondering.

(Those events happened several years ago now. So many more things happen every day. We have become accustomed to these things that we only allow ourselves to be touched briefly and on the surface.)

Life, in all it’s pain and glory, happening all around.

For some people it’s total devastation; for others incredible joy. Lives forever altered, shattered and broken; or put back together because of a wondrous miracles.

This post, this week, seems fitting:

May 24, 1980 was one such day for my family. My youngest brother turned eight on May 23, 1980. My oldest brother and his newly acquired wife along with me and my husband of two months, all gathered at my parents’ home to celebrate my little brother Daryl, who was an unexpected miracle himself. After dinner, cake and presents, my eighteen year old brother left to go hang with some friends.

I am forever thankful for that time we all had together that evening, because we had no idea he would never return home.

The early morning phone call on May 24th rocked my world when my dad called to tell us my eighteen year old little brother Stevie, had died in a car accident.

What followed was a year of intense pain; the grief and sorrow so tangible. I never knew grief could be so physical.

I remember the shock and denial, intermittently laced with a fragile hope that it was all a horrible mistake.

How could my brother be gone?

How can life be so normal and change so drastically in a moment so brief it is but a wisp of time?

Every year for the past thirty-three years, (39 now) within minutes of each other, we celebrate the birth of my youngest brother- a talented, funny, loving friend, husband, father, and so much more, while silently missing my other little brother who left this world far too early, by human standards anyway.

Happy Birthday, little brother!

I love you both.

I will miss you always.

Those three statements blending together; one no greater or less than the other.

All true.

And forever interwoven.

Rules and Roles

Family
December 24, 2015

I am continuing today on the topic of dysfunctional families. It’s not because I’m an expert, or that this is a fun topic to write about. It’s not about placing blame or pointing fingers. It IS about becoming educated in order to stop the cycle, tear down the walls of dysfunction and re-build s sound structure to allow healthy communications to be the most important rule of the family belief system.

As my friend Mary always says: “Garbage Out, healthy in”.

Some dysfunctional family rules can look a little like this:

1. Control – One must be in control of all family interactions, feelings and personal behaviors. Control is the major defense for shame.

2. Perfectionism – The perfectionist rule involves a measurement that is being imposed on the family. The members of the family live according to these rules out of fear in order to avoid negative factors that may occur.

3. Blame – Whenever things don’t go as planned, blame is the way to go. Blaming oneself or others. This is a defense to cover-up shame. Blame helps balance things out when control has gone awry.

4. Denial – The unspoken rule is you shouldn’t perceive, think, feel, desire or imagine the way you do. Instead, comply to the perfectionists ideal demands.

5. The No-Talk Rule – This rule prohibits full expression of any feeling, need or want. In a shame-based family all members have to hide their true feelings, needs or desires. Therefore no one really knows what is going on within the family.

6. Don’t Make Mistakes – Mistakes reveal flaws, is the belief in the dysfunctional family. To make a mistake opens one up to scrutiny. Cover up your own mistake and shame anyone else who makes one.

7. Unreliability – Don’t expect anyone to be reliable in any relationship…EVER. Don’t trust anyone so you won’t be disappointed. Parents in dysfunctional families didn’t get their dependency needs met and will not be able to meet the emotional needs of their kids. Therefore, the distrust, dysfunctional cycle continues.

Understanding that these rules are unspoken but exist nonetheless is imperative in coming to terms with your dysfunctional family and breaking the cycle.

Seeing the roles that make up a dysfunctional family and discovering the role(s) you play is important in trying to break out of an unhealthy family system. You can find yourself in many of these roles at various times, and depending upon what role the other family members are playing at any given time.

Family Hero: This is the caretaker of the family. On the outside they look like a good kid, high achiever, follows rules, seeks approval, very responsible. On the inside they feel guilt, hurt and inadequate.

Scapegoat: This is the problem child. They appear hostile, defiant, rule-breaker, always in trouble. On the inside they feel rejected, hurt, jealous and angry.

Lost Child: This is the forgotten child. They are usually quiet and shy, have a vivid fantasy life, are often alone, appear mediocre, attaches to things, not people. On the inside they feel rejected, hurt and anxious.

Victims: These are the chemically dependent or addicts and alcoholics. They are often hostile, manipulating, aggressive, self-pitying, always blaming others, charming, and have rigid values. On the inside they feel shame, guilt, fear, pain and hurt.

Chief Enabler: This role is usually closest emotionally to the victim. They appear self-righteous, super-responsible, sarcastic, passive, physically sick, the martyr. On the inside they feel: angry, hurt guilty and have a low self-esteem.

Mascot: This is the family clown, and oftentimes the baby of the family. They are typically immature, fragile, cute, hyperactive, distracting. On the inside the are fearful, anxious and insecure.

These roles and rules are unconscious but required to help the unhealthy family belief system remain intact. No one role or rule is unimportant.

To have knowledge is to help us understand and break free from unhealthy systems and will allow us the ability to grow as individuals.

Dysfunctional Family

Family
December 19, 2015

Today I want to talk about the dysfunctional family. Don’t worry, all families have some dysfunction. No family is totally healthy or unhealthy. “Dysfunctional” is such a buzz word and has been for quite a few years. What is a dysfunctional family?

Dysfunctional family behaviors can happen because of any condition that interferes with a healthy way of relating. Oftentimes the dysfunction happens because of a life-event such as a death or long-term illness. Roles become mixed up and often reversed during these difficult times, but a healthy family tends to return to normal functionality after the situation has had time to be processed and grieved properly. In a dysfunctional family, however, problems are chronic and children do not get their needs met on a consistent basis. Negative parenting habits become the norm and that’s where many problems begin.

Problems and circumstances like alcoholism, mental illness, child abuse or neglect or rigid family rules can effect children long after they are grown and have children of their own. It’s not about finding fault assigning blame, but simply to discover, acknowledge, validate and educate so that family dysfunction won’t continue in future generations.

What goes wrong to cause a family to become dysfunctional? Oftentimes it is because of deficient parenting, where the hurt done to children is more by omission than commission. Due to circumstance out of our control, or by an addiction of any kind, the child steps into the role of adult and takes on more responsibility than they can emotionally or physically handle. They do handle them of course, more often than most people know, because the human spirit is very resilient, however, this leaves the adult child of whatever the cause, in a very unfulfilled and empty life, void of true intimacy in most, if not all, relationships they attempt to have.

But don’t despair! There is hope for the person who grew up in dysfunctional family behavior patterns. It usually takes a lot of work, with the help of professionals and a good support team, but with a gratitude for all experiences incurred, and the desire to live a healthier life, the possibilities are endless.

Dysfunctional family systems is very complex. I’ve just barely scratched the surface with this post. Keep coming back to learn more about dysfunctional family behaviors and healthier ways to live.

Thanksgiving Days of the Past

Family
November 27, 2014

Reposting from last Thanksgiving, days of the past again.

I got a text from my youngest brother today. He said he was thinking about Thanksgiving Days of the past. To tell you the truth, so was I.

Grandparents, thanksgiving, days of the past, memories

We were both remembering the many times we would gather at our grandparents’ house. We did so every year, until our grandmother had a stroke that left her unable to speak and paralysed on her right side. She spent the remaining eleven years of her life in a nursing home. Our grandfather would faithfully make the thirty minute trip to sit by her side every day without fail, except one or two times due to bad weather that left the roads unsafe to travel.

My earliest memories of visiting my grandparents’ homes were when my paternal grandmother was still alive. We would gather at her house and rake and burn the leaves from the half dozen or so trees in her yard. Afterwards, we would have a family meal. Sometimes there were other families involved; aunts, uncles, and cousins. Other times, just my family.

The Friday after Thanksgiving we would make the ten minute drive to the home of my maternal grandparents. My grandfather was a farmer, his main crop being tobacco. He worked at tobacco warehouses during my growing-up years. He would spend the day at the warehouse, all the while leaving my grandmother and mother cooking for the Thanksgiving meal we would later partake of after my grandfather returned home from working.

My dad, brothers, and uncle would walk the forty plus acre farm, during this time, carrying their guns in hopes of spotting a rabbit. Some call it hunting, but they did very little shooting, even if they did happen to catch a glimpse of one. If I was really bored, I would walk with them. That didn’t happen but once or twice.

My grandmother would have the traditional Thanksgiving fare, including a few regional favorites. She always made sure to cook each grandchild’s favorite dish. She was indeed a good cook, and a very special lady.

I have very fond memories of those times we gathered around her long dining room table. I remember the conversations, and how they were more interesting the older I became, when in actuality the conversations never changed much.

I miss my grandparents and all family members who have left this world…never more so than during the holiday season.

Wishing you fond memories of Thanksgivings past, and joy and laughter shared with family and friends this year.

Holiday World=Family Fun

Family
October 6, 2014

My family and I took a trip to Holiday World last weekend. It was a good time. Holiday World=family fun. They are open every weekend until October 26, and they are well decorated for fall and Halloween. The hours are different than during the regular season but so are the ticket prices. The best part for us was there were no lines to wait in on the day we were there~

The weather was nice which added to the day. Holiday World is known for their extended water park features. Now that summer is over that part is closed.

Our first ride of the day! You can see the excitement mounting.

This was not a good sign for the coaster riders in our group. I can take them or leave them. The Voyage is the longest roller coaster in the world (don’t quote me on that). It doe lasts a long time, however. The first (and only time) I rode it, it lasted for like a year! We arrived to see the cars stuck on the first hill and not long after, some folks making their way slowly down that very hill. The sign posted a little later assured us there would be no Voyage rides today!

The extra high swings are a fav as noted by my brother and son. I later bumped my head on the rails here trying to get on the ride with other members of my party. I was on the Liberty Launch with a few in our party but wanted to ride those swings again! Not my finest moment and dang, did it hurt!

My husband insisted that if you pumped the bar up and down this turkey twirled a little more. My son and brother didn’t believe him so they all three rode together. Excited, right? They were asked to leave the bar alone.

Making the eagles soar was another fun ride, though not a thrill ride. We rode this one a time or two as there was usually no wait.

Although we were there for about 5 1/2 hours (the park is only open for 6 hours on Sunday) it was a fun day for all, and we were pretty tired from all the walking.

No matter what time of year you visit, Holiday World=Family Fun for sure!