hope | Not A Perfect LIfe

Going Gray

life
June 24, 2021

I am going gray. I have been going gray for about twenty years now, but I kept choosing to cover it with whatever color my hairdresser recommended… every five weeks. We’re all going gray really. We’re just on different parts of the journey. Some may choose to continue to color till they leave this world. It’s a personal choice.

I wrote about this going gray thing a few years ago. That post is called It’s Okay To Go Gray. There are helpful tips and articles I read while making the final decision to go natural like Going Gray Gracefully and I couldn’t help but follow Lisa Bevere on Insta with her going gray journey.

I’ve always said I was going to go gray when I turned sixty. Sixty happened to me in January of 2020. I was wavering a bit once I hit the big 6 0, but I still had my eyes fixed on the goal. Then Covid hit and the world stopped.

A lot of women were sporting gray in various forms of the growing-out process during 2020. It seemed like a logical time to go gray because salons were closed, but I couldn’t make myself do it. It seemed like the choice to go gray was being taken from me or forced upon me because of the restrictions we had due to the virus. That was NOT what I wanted, so I kept the color going.

When I turned sixty-one a few months ago, I started seeing some more definite wrinkles on my face that I hadn’t noticed before. And then there were the straggly gray hairs that were slowly mixing in with my original colored eyebrows. I feel like no one told me about that little life event, but hey, I’m not bitter.

Turning sixty-one seemed like the perfect time to go gray. I was all in. Even when my very beautiful, trendy and fashionable hair dresser told me I was too young, I stuck to my guns and we did the thing, or rather we didn’t do it, because, y’all, I have a lot of gray hair coming through.

But I got to tell you what finally helped me make up my mind. It was

Madison~

Madison is my beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, athletic, funny and talented niece. She tends to be on the quiet side but she makes her presence known when the need hits. This young woman is my hero in many ways, but this thing she is doing now, makes it even truer.

Madison is dealing with Alopecia, an auto immune, issue. A few years ago she started experiencing small bald spots on her very full head of hair. Her parents took her to the medical professionals and they started treatment. Things seemed to be getting better. Her hair was growing back and all was right with the world.

Until it wasn’t.

At the end of 2020, Madison started showing up at family events looking as cute as ever, but she was never without a bandana or cap of some kind on her head. It seemed that Madison was losing her hair again, in greater quantities.

How hard that must have been as a parent, seeing your child go through something as traumatic as this, knowing there wasn’t a thing they could do.

How difficult is has to be as a seventeen year old high school girl to lose her hair, something most girls that age put a lot of stock in.

Madison is handling this so gracefully and with such maturity and wisdom.

At the beginning of the year she chose to shave her head.

Madison has a huge support system around her. Not just her parents and other family members, but her friends too. So many of them showed up to be with her when she had her head shaved. One friend she has known since childhood chose to shave her head too.

I continue to be amazed as I watch Madison not only make the best of something she never wanted to go through or didn’t ask for, but to see her embracing it and bringing more awareness to people about Alopecia, and hopefully more acceptance. And the coolest thing of all is that she is using this adverse circumstance in her life to help other woman dealing with this issue to not feel so alone and different.

Madison is the reason I finally decided to go gray. I figured if she could do what she is doing, as well as she is doing it, then I, a sixty-one year old woman, could surely go gray.

I have a different outlook about going gray now than I have ever had. My hair, no matter what color it is, does not define me, much the same as Madison. It’s just hair and mine will grow back.

Seeing Madison embrace something that would throw most young women into a downward spiral, has had an impact on me to a depth that she will never know.

She is also having an impact on others too, and I’m pretty sure she may never know the extent of that either.

I am going gray because for me, it is time. I am choosing to let the courage and grace that my niece is displaying have that influence on me as well.

I am excited to share a video of me talking with Madison about her journey in the next week or so!

Photo creds of the pics of me and my gray hair goes to my other beautiful niece, pictured with Madison and me.

Does Your Husband Have What It Takes?

hope
February 29, 2020

“I don’t know if my husband has what it takes to restore the trust or to repair the brokenness of our marriage”, said the distraught woman sitting beside me. I found myself leaning in just a little more because it seemed like she was on the verge of a break-through.

gazebo on water with palm trees at sunset

I was sitting with this new friend of mine, while she spoke of her troubled marriage. She continued telling me the things that were in her heart, “I think he wants to save the marriage and bring restoration to our family. I think his intentions are good, but I don’t know if it’s a part of who he is right now. He has to become completely devoted to God in order to bring about the healing that only He can bring. It’s just that it’s going to take a special person to be able to hang in there and repair the damage, the devastation that has been done to me and our marriage. It’s like he’s forgotten about my pain in his quest to get well, and to alleviate his shame.”

She was being brutally honest. She seemed willing to allow God to do whatever He wanted to do in their marriage and in her heart, really. She kept on talking.

“It would take a selfless person to be all in. It calls for a man who is willing to put his wife’s needs above his own. A man who is able to let go of his right to be offended.”

Truthfully, none of us have that right as Christ followers to be offended.

She continued talking; “It takes letting go of your right to be anything except giving, loving and always there, always present no matter how long it takes or how painful it may be for him to hear, knowing that it was way more painful for me to live.”

She’s right, it does take a special kind of man. With all the affairs and betrayal in our sex-focused society I’m pretty sure she’s not the only one who is facing this heart-wrenching situation. This woman who sat before me pouring her heart out is shattered because of the betrayal that she has experienced in her marriage, by the one person she trusted most.

Coming to grips with the fact that this man isn’t the person she thought she had married, and all the lies, what does it all mean, this life they had built together? What does any of it mean? What does intimacy mean now? What do all the years mean if he wasn’t fully present because he was so wrapped up in his addictions?

I sat in silence as I listened to her pour our her heart. It will take a lot of pouring out in order for complete healing to take place. Healing has started, but every time her husband chooses to go with his feelings instead of tending to hers is a wasted opportunity for him to help in the healing process. Every time he doesn’t follow through on even the most mundane thing that needs to be done, is a chance not taken to help build trust.

What are the answers to this woman’s dilemma, or all the other women who find themselves in her shoes. It’s going to be a hard road. It might even be easier on the man to take the usual way out, to start all over with someone new. But is that what God wants?

Ultimately, what God wants is all that really matters. And if her husband is who she thought he was when they first married, he will rise to the task at hand and allow God to work the healing she needs through his words, actions and deeds.

Do you identify with parts of this story? Does it ring true of your marriage? Don’t do this alone. I am a certified life coach and an ordained minister. I work with wives of addicts to help provide space and help quiet the voices in their heads and due to the chaos around them. I can help you too. Contact me and let me know how I can help YOU.

Where Have All The Good Guys Gone?

hope
February 8, 2020

February is the month my dad would have turned 82.With his birthday approaching I am in a state of reflecting.

a woman sitting on the bank of a river with a clear blue sky

It’s been about 2 months since my dad left this world. I miss my dad. It’s different, though, the way I grieve him. Dad led a good life, so, even though I do miss him, I am grateful at the same time.

As I’ve mentioned before, my dad was a good man. He was a man of honor and integrity; a man of his word. A man who loved God and his family.

My dad held firm to traditional values when it came to those things. Maybe it’s because of his age? I’m not sure but, when I think of my dad’s character I wonder where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still around, I know. I see them where I work. I work at my church. I watch them closely, especially the younger guys. It catches my attention when I see a young husband cherishing his wife and children. It catches my attention when I see that his relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship in his life. I watch him as he cultivates that relationship and makes sure he does nothing to jeopardize his walk with Christ.

It naturally follows that his relationship with his wife is next in line of importance. As long as he values his relationship with the Father, then he will remain committed to his wife and he will do nothing to jeopardize that relationship either, because to do so would be grievous toward God and would affect his relationship with the Father. A wise man knows this is true.

When I watch these young husbands, I see men who know their children are the greatest gifts on Earth. To cherish his relationship with God first, and his wife second, it naturally follows that he would cherish his relationship with his children and do nothing to jeopardize those either. It’s all about family and God.

Where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still here. Granted they may be few and far between but, where I sit, they are alive and well.

I see couples who genuinely and honestly love each other because they genuinely, honestly and purposely follow Jesus. You can’t really have one without the other. Because not to have a relationship with Jesus as the most important relationship in your life makes the relationship with your wife subject to things outside.

Things that come unexpectedly.

Things that may tempt, things that look exciting and fun, things that may promise happiness but they are false, empty promises, unable to fulfill or last.

Where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still here, full of honor and integrity, just like my dad. So, I speak to the young woman who feels so alone because all your friends are part of a couple. They are married and having babies. You’re tempted to settle.

Don’t! Do. Not. Settle. Though it may be hard, wait for the man whose relationship with God is the most important relationship that he will ever have. If you do, then you, will have a good life too, a good marriage. Not a perfect one but one that will stand the test of time.

This is not our forever home. Keep your eyes focused on your Everlasting home and allow God to bring a good guy to you.

It’ll save you a lot of heartache and you won’t have to wonder where all the good guys have gone. You will be married to one.

It Takes a Little Time

hope
March 10, 2011

Life gets busy and it makes it difficult sometimes to make room for the things that are important to us. It takes a little time…it takes making the time.

time, time is a gift from God, God, Jesus, faith, hope, family, relationships

I was reading today and came across this scripture: Do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased Hebrews 13:16 NIV.

It served to remind me of what is important in my life at this time, which is best defined in another scripture. 2 Corinthians 1:3&4 says, Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

I like this. It is perhaps the only way that I can cope with, make sense of and come to terms with the ordeals of life that I am currently facing. Can I be honest? It seems like there is always something to work through. Can I get an Amen?

I try to practice gratitude everyday. Well, it’s on my radar on a good day. I don’t always get around to gratitude, but when I do, it’s a good thing. Because gratitude is what empowers us to move on.

Some days it’s a stretch to find something to be grateful for but today I am grateful for life’s experiences…all of them, the good, the bad and the ugly. They have enabled me to get outside of myself and live differently in a me-focused world. But check back tomorrow. I have a hunch this could change.

The things I am choosing to do each day during this particular crisis are centered around bringing comfort to those who are suffering because of the hardships in life, and in spite of them. It’s easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of doing all the things for all the people who are important to us. It makes it a little harder to focus on gratitude, but it just takes a little time.

How are you able to be grateful when you are going through a touch situation? Is it even something you work towards? I wrote a post Even When The Day Is Hard which talks about making decisions for our own unique next steps. There are always next steps, and the decision on what they are HAVE to be our own because:

We know ourselves and our own situations better than anyone else.

No one has been where you are or walked in your shoes.

No one has to walk it out.

No one has to live with the decision.

And no one will answer to God but you about what you chose to do with the life you were given, even in all the chaos.

I am an ordained minister and a certified life coach (I prefer hope coach). I help make space for wives of addicts to decide what their own unique next steps are in their one and only life that will affect their families and possibly the generations they will never meet.

Let me know how I can walk with you~

Living Fully Even In The Chaos

hope
January 17, 2011

Have you ever heard the phrase Don’t let the music die within you? I once heard Jim Rohn talk about that phrase and his interpretation of it and it has stayed with me for years.

He was know to have said that he didn’t want life to be just about the words…the words to the songs, the words in the book. He noted that they’re good words, inspiring words. Words in music and books can inspire and stir you up to cause strong emotions deep within. But he also said that it would be easy to let it slowly fade away, drifting into the the places we are prone to forget.

close-up of butterfly on a leaf

There is another quote I am reminded of; “The horror of that moment I shall never, never forget,” says the king in Alice in Wonderland. The queen’s quick retort: “You will though, if you don’t make a memorandum of it.”

And that’s what happens. We have these inspiring events or thoughts even that change the way we think, but if we’re not intentional about making them a part of who we are, using them the next time we encounter another trial, then what is the point?

We need to be intentional if we want to live our very best lives, even if we are living with an addict whether in active recovery or not. It’s both a decision and a chore. We need to live fully present, leaning into the relationships that are truly important to us because we only get one life.

And, it is important to know that even if the person with an addiction is acting out, you, the wife of an addict, can still have a full life. A life of peace, serenity and joy.

With the very best of intentions we read, we hear, we feel, we agree, but then, we often forget. Perhaps that is the ebb and flow of life but oh, please don’t let the music die within you. Don’t live a life of mediocrity because you think that’s the only life you can live while married to an addict. It just isn’t true.

Nelson Mandela said, “Your playing small does not serve the world. Who are you not to be great?” I love that! Who are you not to be great? The people in you life, and perhaps the entire world may be missing out on some pretty cool stuff if you choose to life small.

“In the end, life lived to its fullest is its own ultimate gift” (The Ultimate Gift).

May we never forget that the greatest value in life is to live it well.

Grasping For Perspective

hope
October 4, 2010

This post was originally published five years ago, and still I can say that grasping for perspective in an important life skill to develop. Life ebbs and flows and changes happen whether we ask for them or not. Tough times are as much a part of life as breathing so leaning the art of grasping for perspective is imperative.

coach of wives of addicts, coach of wives of sex addicts, don't do it alone, finding hope, finding perspective, having hope, Jesus is our hope

Six weeks ago we moved from the house where we have been living for 13 years. When we moved “to the country” our kids were seven, five and one years old. A lot of life happened in that house. This is the home where a many milestones were reached, and a place of first times for my kids.

First time to walk.
First learned to ride a bike.
First loose tooth.
First teen driver…and the list goes on.

This move out of our home wasn’t particularly pleasant nor was it exactly our choice. You see, we had joined the ranks of countless others who have been foreclosed on. I don’t share that bit of info lightly, or matter-of-factly. It was HARD. It still is at times, but perspective is everything.

I have a friend who is recently divorced. The divorce put a strain on her relationship with her two adult daughters, which is hurtful for my friend, but her daughters have things to deal with. My friend has also been searching for a job and a more affordable place to live. It gets so discouraging at times that she finds herself grasping for perspective.

I visit my aunt weekly, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She is lonely, yet well-loved by her children and grandchildren. She sometimes forgets important people and events of yesteryear. Visiting with her has me grasping for perspective when I leave her house and return to my new home.

My uncle has been in the hospital for about a week. He was having difficultly breathing. They did some tests and discovered he has lung cancer. He was expecting a diagnosis of a different kind. A treatable disease. This bit of news sent him and his family grasping for perspective as they look to God for answers as he prepares to live his last days.

Two other friends had sudden things happen to them. One blacked out for several minutes and didn’t remember anything, the other had a Grand Mal seizure that lasted ten minutes. Testing is being done. They both have small children. That will make you turn grasping for perspective for many reasons, especially having young children.

I could go on and on. The bottom line is the same. No matter what we experience, no matter what curve ball life throws at us, it’s all perspective. You deal with it and go on, knowing that you have very little control over what happens to you, only your reaction or response.

The one thing that remains constant is Jesus, our one true hope.

Have you found yourself grasping for perspective while dealing with the unexpected things that caught you totally off guard and changed your life forever? I am an ordained minister, a trained women’s mentor and certified life coach. I walk with women, helping them to find hope as they decide what is their own unique steps in the dysfunction of their marriages to alcoholics and addicts. Let me know how I can pray for you.