Today is my last day of being 59 years old. I guess it’s only natural that I am feeling nostalgic. But I’m also feeling sad and a little lonely. This is the first birthday without my dad.

Don’t get me wrong! I know how blessed I am to have had my dad with me for so many years. A lot of people aren’t nearly as fortunate as I in that, and, I have a bonus…my dad was a good and honorable man who loved God with his whole heart.

I can’t help but to reflect over the past years of my life when Dad was still with us. It has been over four weeks since my dad had a stroke, which set into motion the beginning of his last few days on earth. Three weeks since his spirit left his body to join our Heavenly Father, where Dad will live eternally with Jesus, and with all of his loved ones who have gone before him.

Most days, I am at peace because I know that’s where my dad is. Most days, I am grateful that my dad left while he was in relatively good health and sound mind, and I am grateful today, but still…today, on this last day of my 50s, I miss my dad.

He wasn’t a perfect man nor a perfect dad. He knew that too, because there is only One who is perfect, Jesus. My dad and I weren’t super close as I was growing up. It was after I became an adult that things changed. Was it me? Maybe that’s just the way it was supposed to be for us.

Today, I miss how my dad’s eyes would light up just a little bit when he saw me. I miss how he would tell me I was pretty. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss his hugs and his “Love you” as I was leaving or hanging up the phone. Today, I miss my dad.

There will be more days like these, I’m sure. But for today, I’m going to miss him as I pass from the decade of my 50s into the next. After that, I will go back to being at peace knowing where my dad is, and that I will see him again one day. Until I miss him again. Then I will cry some more due to the pain of the loss of my dad. That is the cycle of grief.

I will rest in His assurance all the while, because I know that this is not my forever home. It was never meant to be, not since the Garden of Eden. From the first breath that we take, we grow closer to our last. Our days are numbered. Some people have more than others but we’re all headed to the end of life on Earth. I want to keep the end game in mind.

As I am turning 60 years old, I will embrace the fact, knowing that I am a day closer, a year or an hour, to the final days of my life in this world. I will use this time wisely. I will keep the end in mind as I conduct my life the way my Heavenly Father has instructed me to live. I will work toward that goal with how I treat others who God has placed in my life.

Relationships matter most. We will be held accountable for how we treated those God put in our lives once we take our final breath.

I’m pretty sure my dad heard those words I long to hear when I finally make it home…”Well done My good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of the Lord” (Matthew 25:23).

For you my friend who is reading these words right this very minute, I pray you feel His presence and to know you are loved with a fierce, never-ending love of an eternal, heavenly Father. Help them, Lord, to realize with an understanding they have never quite grasped before, that we are all headed in the same direction. Some of us will get there sooner than others. Help them long to hear those words too, Lord, once they leave this temporary place. ‘Well done, My child. Well done.”

I was in the shower, washing my hair. I wasn’t asking God for revelations into the goings-on of the world, or even my life. Nope, I was simply washing my hair and minding my own business. That’s when I began listening to God because that’s when He got my attention.

We had the following conversation, God and I. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t audible. It was in my spirit, that place where I hear Him most often and most clearly.

A vision of a painful time appeared in my head, uninvited and not very welcomed. I winced. But then I heard God say to me: ‘Stop. Look at that for a bit. Look really good.”

Me: “Do I have to? I already know what that looks like…feels like. It’s ugly and it’s quite painful, even without the ugliness.”

God: “Yes, I know. It’s both. But I want you to look at it anyway. I want you to take it all in. Don’t run. Don’t hide. It’s real. It happened. You were a part of that. You did that. And it’s ok. Just…look.”

Me: “I’ve spent a lot of time and energy not looking. I’d rather just forget it. It’s not one of my finer moments, nor one of my favorite memories. Did I mention how painful it was? How painful it still is?”

God: “You did and I know. That’s why you need to look at it. You need to feel the emotions those decisions caused. You need to stop running from it. You need to see what it cost, you and others. You need to count the cost. Did it turn out the way you planned? Was it worth it? Did it save and prevent the things you wanted it to?”

Me: “Seriously, no, it didn’t.  I should have invited You into the situation, not blocked You from it. I thought I could make the outcome the way I wanted it. No harm, no foul. Now, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be in this place, stuck in this same place, if I had done things differently…Your way. I’m sorry. Not just for what I did to You by neglecting to invite You in or wait on Your timing and way of doing things but, for what I’ve done overall, and the pain I have caused others by thinking I could do it on my own. I’ve done that a lot, I’m pretty sure, and I am so sorry. It was for a noble cause, but You already know the cause. You also know best how it could have worked out differently. I am so sorry.”

God: “That’s what I wanted you to see but you needed to see that on your own, with Me by your side, in you, around you, with you always. You needed to see that for yourself.”

He is good like that. Patient, waiting for the right time when you are ready. You as an individual and me. I’ve caught glimpses along the way of the things He wanted me to see, but I don’t know that I was ready to see the whole picture for what it truly is until this point in my life, because of all the work. Because of the condition of my heart. Because I’m tired of being stuck and not knowing what to do.

Because He is patient and kind and waiting for to me to be in the place for listening to God.

My article How Ya Feeling? appeared in The Southeast Outlook, September 12th edition.

What is it with people and emotions? Why is it often difficult for many of us to get in touch with our feelings? I am excited about the sermon series How Ya Feeling? that ended last week at Southeast Christian Church. It’s time for Christians to become intentional about emotional wellness and the road less traveled to living a life of wholeness.

I went to my first Christian counselor thirty years ago. It wasn’t something the general population did. Seeing a therapist back in those days was taboo. In fact, it was something you kept quiet. I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell many people at all. If I did, I would have prefaced it with some sort of valid reason or explanation why I felt the need to see a counselor. Otherwise folks would think I was crazy, a nut job or just plain whacked.

The church I attended during that time taught that Jesus was all we needed, and if we needed “outside” help, then we didn’t have enough faith in the work of the cross. I get what they were trying to say but it simply wasn’t true and there was a lot of shame surrounding that message.

Here’s the thing though, when I entered that counselor’s waiting room on two separate occasions, I ran into two other people from the church I attended. I made eye contact with each of these women I knew, but quickly looked away, as if to give them each the privacy they wanted and deserved. At a later time and place, we talked briefly about why we were there and how hard it was to deviate from the norm to go see a counselor in the first place. We were each experiencing things in our lives that we were ill equipped to handle on our own and were willing to take the risk to get the help we needed.

We’ve come a long way from looking down on those who seek the help of a professional. And that’s a good thing, but it seems like we have more work to do when it comes to supporting and encouraging those on the journey of becoming emotionally healthy.

It was God’s idea for us to be whole from the very beginning: 1 Thessalonians 5:23 NSV “May the God of peace himself make you holy in every way. And may your whole being—spirit, soul, and body—remain blameless when our Lord Jesus, the Messiah, appears”. And 3 John 1:2 says; “Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers”. NASB

It would appear, according to these two verses, that God wants our souls well. He wants our entire beings healthy.

God created us with all our emotions. It is we humans who have designated emotions as being positive or negative. I get that most of us would rather be happy and full of joy all the time, instead of being angry and sullen. But here’s the thing…feelings are just feelings. They are fickle and they are fleeting. They can and do change without notice or fanfare. To acknowledge and perhaps talk with someone about our feelings or even journal about the things we are going through or dealing with, takes away the power of those “negative” feelings we experience and allows us to move on.

Why are we so afraid of our emotions? Why do we feel the need to change the reality of what we are going through, and alter the way we feel? The Bible clearly tells us to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen where we are to deny our feelings, pretend they don’t exist and stuff them deep inside with the hope of never having to deal with them.

Feelings, as temporary as they are designed to be, have an uncanny way of showing up in our lives at a later day and time, in the form of ailments and disorders. We bring a lot of stress and anxiety on ourselves because we don’t give proper place to our feelings at the time we experience them.

They tend to show up later in life, often gaining momentum, wielding more power over us than necessary and are sometimes exhibited in inappropriate ways; lashing out in anger, addictions and obsessions, and the inability to sustain meaningful relationships.

So how are you feeling, really? What are some of the emotions you so dislike you’d do anything to avoid dealing with them? Whatever they are, by avoiding and denying them, you are ultimately giving them more power and importance in your life than they merit.

Feelings are just feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. They are what they are, and they come when they come. You get to have a say in whether they become greater and more destructive by how you choose to deal with them.

I speak from experience. I’m a recovering feeling-avoider. Okay, I just made that term up, but still. By the grace of God, and with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives within me, I am now able to identify and acknowledge whatever it is that I feel these days, and to allow myself to feel it. I sometimes choose to share those feelings with a trusted friend or counselor if need be so I can move on.

I think it’s important to hear messages shared from the pulpits of our churches, like How Ya Feeling?, the six-part sermon series taught by Kyle Idleman and Matt Reagan. It helps give us God’s perspective and allows us to live lives of integrity and honor. When we choose to acknowledge our feelings, it allows us to come from a place of peace and assurance that we are who God created us to be. Not how we feel.

I am a reader from way back. I still have some of the first books I owned as a child. One of my favorites was called Laurie and the Yellow Curtains. I’m sure you can guess why. I love the feel of a book in my hands. I love the illustrations of a good children’s book. I love everything about books.

I have my favorite authors. A few favorites who are gone now’: Phyllis Whitney, Victoria Holt and Dorothy Eden. Since they no longer write, at least not this side of heaven, I have moved on to writers who still produce books on a regular basis. I am drawn to simplistic tales of life, family and love. A few of my current favorite authors are: Kristy Cambron. I know her! We’re friends and we get to have about forty-five minutes every Saturday night before church. Kristy is the women’s ministry leader at Southeast Christian Church. She spins an excellent tale, beautifully weaving together a historical era in time with a particular person as the subject. I just finished The Illusionist before I start on her Castle Trilogy. If you don’t know her works you should totally check her out. Tell her I sent you!

Then there is an old favorite, Debbie Macomber. Truthfully I have been reading her since I was a young adult. We sort of grew up together. She has created towns and families who have become like friends. I had the amazing privilege of visiting her town where the series Cedar Cove was brought to life. I even had the distinct honor of having lunch with her in her very quaint restaurant and gift shop. I wrote about it here. If you’ve never read her and you like simple, quaint tales of life, Debbie knows how to bring that to life. She recently launched an online magazine.

Susan Wiggs is another favorite. I collect all of her books, along with Debbie Macomber’s, Luanne Rice books and…Nicolas Sparks, although his penchant for a death or sad ending has me a bit apprehensive but I continue to read because he pens a good tale.

Another on of my favs is Richard Paul Evans. That’s the reason for this blog post. I am reading his latest and last in his Broken Road Trilogy. I just finished chapter 15. I knew I needed to take a break and write before I read another word. This tale is about a man who walks along historic Route 66. I adore Route 66. I had the opportunity of making the trek from Saint Louis to Chicago, where is ends a few years back. Travelling Route 66 is a bit challenging these day because the road is closed in parts, overgrown and covered with an bigger better interstate. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for advancements in travel. I use interstates, but there’s just something about that golden area and the sights you see along the way. The stories they tell as they stand abandoned and empty for years. Whole towns dead because of the rerouting of that scenic and historic byway.

I wanted to share parts of chapter 15 with you. It’s about marriage, another thing that intrigues me for more reasons than I have time to go into in this post.

I’ll post it next time!

Some days are harder than others. I get that we each have our cross to bear, but sometimes I want to trade with someone! I know that is a ridiculous desire. I don’t know what you are dealing with or the things you are walking through. For all I know, the things you are experiencing are far worse than anything I can imagine.

We only get to know about each other, what we want each other to know.

In my early morning feelings of loneliness and despair, I picked up Don’t Give Up, the newest book by Kyle Idleman,  and continued reading. I am happy to announce that I have read more than just a few pages before I felt the need to stop and ponder, which usually leads to a blog post.

Here’s what I read under Choose to Overcome, in Chapter 3- Keep Perspective. Kyle wrote; “Instead of feeling like a victim, we choose to use what’s happened to us as a springboard propelling us to greatness.

Sound overly optimistic? A little too Tony Robbins for you? 

It’s not. This is the power of God in your life. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 1:19-20 that the same power that brought Jesus back is available to us. The power that overcame death can help us overcome our circumstances. Our confidence to overcome is not a confidence in ourselves, but in the Holy Spirit, who is in us.

The truth is, life is difficult for everyone. Some choose to be defeated. Others choose to overcome. Interestingly, it’s often the people who have faced the most difficulty who succeed the most wildly.”

And just like that, I’m praying (again); “God use the circumstances of my life, the most painful ones- those I would rather not take out and look at, use those, Lord, to help someone find You”.

I shared a post yesterday from my friend Trevor, from Bunker HQ, He inspires me with his words. He inspires me with his wisdom and simple faith in God.

Are you going through something you’d rather not? Are you struggling with the “Whys” and “What ifs”? Read Trevor’s post and considering reading Don’t Give Up. It could change the way you view your situation, which could change the way you respond and react. If you change the way you think, you could change the world! One person at a time.

#DontGiveUp

I have a new favorite author! Her name is Kristy Cambron. Here’s the really cool part, though. I know her. As in, she’s my (new) friend. And, not only is she my friend, but she is the new women’s ministry leader at Southeast Christian Church, which is the church I attend. How exciting is that?

She a beautiful woman, inside and out. One day, while we were having coffee, except neither of us were actually drinking coffee, I asked her about her books. She is very humble about this gift of writing God has blessed her with. I asked her which book I should start with. I seriously wanted to know! I love to read. I love words. I WANTED to read her work. Her answer? “You don’t have to read any of my books.”

Later that evening I Googled her books, trying to decide where to start! She has a few. I wanted to read the first one in a particular series, so I sent her an email asking her what book I should order. Her response? “You don’t have to read any of my books.”

I get that she was telling me that we would still be friends whether I ever read a book she has written. What a special woman she is.

I ordered The Butterfly and the Violin. I was immediately caught up in the story line and looked forward to ending my day curled up with her book. I savored the vivid characters who literally came alive as I continued to read each chapter. I was enthralled with how she strung certain phrases together to create a mood, a feeling that connected me with the events taking place on the pages as I read.

The book was good, y’all! I ordered the next in the series in hopes that it would arrive before I finished The Butterfly and the Violin. It didn’t, but that’s okay. It should arrive Thursday!

Kristy Cambron’s newest book, Castle on the Rise, the second in this series, was just released today. I will be reading it soon! But first, I must read The Lost Castle!

If you like historical fiction by a really good author, get Kristy’s books! All of them.

I have a new favorite author. I hope she becomes yours too!

You’re welcome!