I was in the shower, washing my hair. I wasn’t asking God for revelations into the goings-on of the world, or even my life. Nope, I was simply washing my hair and minding my own business. That’s when I began hearing God because He finally got my attention.
We had the following conversation, God and I. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t audible. It was in my spirit, that place where I hear Him most often and most clearly.
A vision of a painful time appeared in my head, uninvited and not very welcomed. I winced. But then I heard God say to me: ‘Stop. Look at that for a bit. Look really good.”
Me: “Do I have to? I already know what that looks like…feels like. It’s ugly and it’s quite painful, even without the ugliness.”
God: “Yes, I know. It’s both. But I want you to look at it anyway. I want you to take it all in. Don’t run. Don’t hide. It’s real. It happened. You were a part of that. You did that. And it’s ok. Just…look.”
Me: “I’ve spent a lot of time and energy not looking. I’d rather just forget it. It’s not one of my finer moments, nor one of my favorite memories. Did I mention how painful it was? How painful it still is?”
God: “You did and I know. That’s why you need to look at it. You need to feel the emotions those decisions caused. You need to stop running from it. You need to see what it cost–you and others. You need to count the cost. Did it turn out the way you planned? Was it worth it? Did it save and prevent the things you wanted it to?”
Me: “Seriously, no, it didn’t. I should have invited You into the situation, not blocked You from it. I thought I could make the outcome the way I wanted it. No harm, no foul. Now, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be in this place, stuck in this same place, if I had done things differently…Your way. I’m sorry. Not just for what I did to You by neglecting to invite You in or wait on Your timing and Your way of doing things but, for what I’ve done overall, and the pain I have caused others by thinking I could do it on my own. I’ve done that a lot, I’m pretty sure, and I am so sorry. It was for a noble cause, but You already know the cause. You also know best how it could have worked out differently. I am so sorry.”
God: “That’s what I wanted you to see but you needed to see that on your own, with Me by your side, in you, around you, with you always. You needed to see that for yourself.”
He is good like that. Patient, waiting for the right time when you are ready. You as an individual and me. I’ve caught glimpses along the way of the things He wanted me to see, but I don’t know that I was ready to see the whole picture for what it truly is until this point in my life, because of all the work I am doing on myself. Because of the condition of my heart. Because I’m tired of being stuck and not knowing what to do.
Because He is patient and kind and waiting for to me to be in the place for listening to God.
This conversation I had with God wasn’t just for me. That’s why I am sharing it here. Stop and listen. Really listen for the Holy Spirit to show you the things He wants you to see.
You are in this painful time in your marriage for a reason. No, it’s not a punishment. It IS for your good and His glory. Let the Lord show you what He wants you to see, so you can learn the lessons well. Then you can move on, whatever that looks like for you.
If you don’t know what your own unique next steps are, I am a life coach for wives of addicts. I help wives of addicts make space by quieting the voices inside their heads caused by the chaos around them to help them hear what God wants them to do. I can help you too.