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You are here: Home / life / Longings of the Heart

Longings of the Heart

life
November 12, 2013

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Wow! Today is my SITS Day, and wouldn’t you know it? I wrote down the wrong day. So I am totally unprepared for you here, visiting my blog. But no worries! Welcome! Don’t mind the dust and clutter. I’m glad you’re here and so honored to be the featured blogger on SITS Girls.

I’ve walked this road before, this dusty trail strewn with a few left over pebbles from the childhood of my life. It’s one of my favorite places on earth; and in my heart as well. I wonder where this road is taking me now.

Mere words cannot express what this picture speaks to me, the longings of my heart

Love my grandparents' farm

A barn, my grandfather’s barn, that holds my heart as I stand and gaze from the place I’ve stood so many times before. This sight is forever etched in my mind, but the photo conjures up the feelings that are buried deep within my soul, the longings of which can never be fulfilled again.

My grandparents passed away a year apart from each other, my grandma leaving this world first. They have both been gone for about eight years now. It goes without saying, I suppose, how I miss them, how I think of them often, especially those childhood moments I spent at their farm.

The house was grand, but only in my mind. It was simple, a farm house; functional, homey, comfortable and lived in. The drive on the road and that exact spot where I would catch the first glimpse of the house so warm and inviting still causes my heart to skip and takes me back to those days long ago.

The smells of cooking always lingering; from the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls baking in the morning, (and the time I ate all of them by myself…yes I did and yes my grandma let me!), to the hamburgers frying for lunch and whatever she placed on the table for dinner, all served with love.

The house still stands, but not so proud and tall anymore. It is empty, even though their stuff still filled the rooms and closets, and walls, up until a few months ago, for we have spent this year emptying it of  all these things. It is time. Maybe past time. In truth, it has been empty for many years because those who made the house a home were no longer there.

Or so I thought.

The stuff is a façade that keeps you hooked into the belief that you can go home again, you can go back. It is still there, just like they left it. It is tangible proof that they existed, the lives they wove together into the legacy they left behind is evidenced in the many pictures, documents, saved letters, notes, drawings and scribbled I Love Yous on homemade cards. And the proof is there for all to see, but they themselves are not.

The proof! What do you do with the stuff they lovingly accumulated during the lifetime of their togetherness, the things that meant so much that were folded and tucked away and carefully stored for safekeeping?

The house, for all practical purposes, is empty now, not totally, but soon to be so.

Gone.

The memories are here in this child’s eye of my mind, but the proof is not.

And sadder still is the house will be sold when all is said and done. This place that my heart yearns for from those yesteryears…gone.

And that makes me very sad.

I lost my grandma when she had a stroke that left her unable to communicate with those she loved for eleven years.

I lost her again when she passed away.

I lost her again when my grandfather died, the link that let us hold a part of her near.

I lost her as we sifted and sorted and went through her things, though I was too occupied to notice, or so I told myself.

And now…I lose her for good as the place I love so well is no longer what it was.

There will be one final losing as I grip firmly onto the time I have left, when the house and the farm that is as much a part of me as the air I breathe is sold to the highest bidder.

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. Jessica | Independent Travel Cats says

    November 13, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Happy SITS day and thanks for visiting our travel blog. That barn actually looks a bit like one of my deceased grandfather’s barns. I miss my grandparents as well but my grandmother is still living, I just live so far away from her now. This post definitely made me think of that.

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 14, 2013 at 1:55 am

      I want to be a travel blog when I grow up so I had to stop and see.

      Reply
  2. Christine Carter says

    November 13, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Oh Laurie- this melts my heart. You so beautifully capture the process of letting go of our closest people we have lived a lifetime with, and how traumatic it is to tare away each piece of our beloved’s presence in our lives.

    Such a passionate post, Laurie. Just beautiful. XO

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 14, 2013 at 2:03 am

      You make me smile with your sweet comments…all of them/ 🙂

      Reply
  3. Melissa @ Completely Eclipsed says

    November 13, 2013 at 3:23 am

    Happy SITS Day! Enjoy the love.

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 13, 2013 at 1:53 pm

      Thanks. It was awesome!

      Reply
  4. Shan Walker (@shanGURUwalker) says

    November 12, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    Congrats on your SITS Day today, friend. That’s a big deal!
    Beautiful Post.
    blessings,
    Shan
    The How to Guru

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 13, 2013 at 12:19 am

      Thanks Shan for stopping by on my big deal day!

      Reply
  5. knowledgemaven says

    November 12, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    Love-love-loved, this post. I hope your SITS Day goes well.

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 13, 2013 at 12:19 am

      So sweet. Thanks for visiting!

      Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 13, 2013 at 12:29 am

      Thank you so much. The day has been great!

      Reply
  6. Definitely Ashlee (@definiteashlee) says

    November 12, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    Happy SITS day! Love the blog name.

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 9:25 pm

      Thanks Ashlee, there is a story behind that name…there always is, right?

      Reply
  7. Bonnie Wallace says

    November 12, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    I understand your feelings…losing pieces. My dad passed away suddenly in 2009 and it’s certainly hard to let go. But it does get easier over time. I still have his name in my cell phone because I can’t bring myself to delete the number. It’s like he’s still there in my contact list, my contact to Heaven. Great post!

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 9:28 pm

      I can’t even imagine losing a parent. I can see why you wouldn’t delete. I love the contact to Heaven idea.

      Reply
  8. Savvy Working Gal says

    November 12, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    What a beautiful tribute. I lost my Grandma for good Nov. 1st and understand how you feel. I would love to go back and visit her farm which was sold many years ago. She gave me a clipping of her shamrock plant that I’ve always loved. Every time I water it I think of her. Happy SITS day.

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 7:34 pm

      That is so awesome you have a clipping of her shamrock plant. I had some of my grandma’s Creeping Phlox but it didn’t make it. I really should get something else before the place sells.

      Reply
  9. Kim says

    November 12, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    Happy SITS Day!!!
    I’m glad that you had this post up – I felt like it was about me because I experienced those same feelings of loss with my grandma (she also had a stroke), then when she died and just this past August my grandpa passed away (he would be 99 today!).
    Sweet memories!!!

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 7:37 pm

      I get it Kim. I totally understand. I love my memories. Sounds like your grandpa had a great, long life.

      Reply
  10. Alex says

    November 12, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Happy SITS day 🙂 great blog, I love that you take the time to write meaningful things 🙂

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 9:33 pm

      Thank you Alex. That means a lot. I would love to do more of that but I feel I need to mix it up, for now anyway.

      Reply
  11. almostsinglemamia says

    November 12, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    Happy SITS day! I hope you find joy in your memories!

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 9:36 pm

      Thank you and yes, there is lots of joy! Thanks for your comment.

      Reply
  12. Colleen @ MommieDaze says

    November 12, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    I have wonderful, wonderful memories of visiting my Grandma’s farm as a kid. Her farm was sold when she went into the nursing home, and it was heartbreaking. So many, many memories there. I can see every room and remember where everything was and how it smelled. Someone else lives there now, and they’ve remolded. It’s barely recognizable anymore. How I miss it.

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      I’m with you Colleen. People are offering to buy the place and I just want to leave it like it is, except it is in need of some TLC! One of the hard parts of life.

      Reply
  13. Vicki M. Taylor says

    November 12, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    I too had grand and fond memories of my mom and dad and the farm. Loved harvesting the mint. The smells were wonderful . I enjoyed your blog. Hope your SITS day is enjoyable. Have a blessed day!

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 9:42 pm

      Thanks Vicki. Something about a farm…It’s been a good day!

      Reply
  14. misssrobin says

    November 12, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    What a beautiful glimpse at the love you share with your grandparents. Thank you for sharing it with us. May you find peace in your heart and hold close the many memories that they’ve left you.

    Congratulations on your SITS day. I hope it’s a wonderful day for you.

    Reply
  15. Alecia says

    November 12, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    I love this post. It describes so well how we go through a process of letting go when in our hearts we don’t want to loose those memories. I went through the same thing with my grandparents and once the house was sold, it felt so final but no one can sell my memories or take those from me.

    Reply
    • Laurie says

      November 12, 2013 at 10:30 pm

      Great words of wisdom. Memories are ours to keep. Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
laurie
Hello, beautiful, courageous woman. Struggles and dysfunction don't have to define us - they can even drive us to create and live fuller lives. Let's journey together~
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