Not A Perfect LIfe

February is the month my dad would have turned 82.With his birthday approaching I am in a state of reflecting.

It’s been about 2 months since my dad left this world. I miss my dad. It’s different, though, the way I grieve him. Dad led a good life, so, even though I do miss him, I am grateful at the same time.

As I’ve mentioned before, my dad was a good man. He was a man of honor and integrity; a man of his word. A man who loved God and his family.
My dad held firm to traditional values when it came to those things. Maybe it’s because of his age? I’m not sure but, when I think of my dad’s character I wonder where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still around, I know. I see them where I work, which is where I attend church. I watch them closely, especially the younger guys. It catches my attention when I see a young husband cherishing his wife and children. It catches my attention when I see that his relationship with Jesus the most important relationship in his life. I watch him as he cultivates that relationship and makes sure he does nothing to jeopardize his walk with Christ.

It naturally follows that his relationship with his wife is next in line of importance. As long as he values his relationship with the Father, then he will remain committed to his wife and do nothing to jeopardize that relationship either, because to do so would be grievous toward God and would affect that relationship. A wise man knows this is true.

When I watch this young husband, I see a man who knows his children are the greatest gifts on Earth. To cherish his relationship with God first, and his wife second, it naturally follows that he would cherish his relationship with his children and do nothing to jeopardize those either. It’s all about family and God.

Where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still here. Granted they may be few and far between but, where I sit, they are alive and well.

I see couples who genuinely and honestly love each other because they genuinely, honestly and purposely follow Jesus. You can’t really have one without the other. Because not to have a relationship with Jesus as the most important relationship in your life makes the relationship with your wife subject to things outside. Things that come unexpectedly. Things that may tempt, things that look exciting and fun, things that may promise happiness but they are false, empty promises, unable to fulfill or last.

Where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still here, full of honor and integrity, just like my dad. So, I speak to the young woman who feels so alone because all your friends are part of a couple. They’re married and having babies. You’re tempted to settle.

Don’t! Do. Not. Settle. Though it may be hard, wait for the man whose relationship with God is the most important relationship that he will ever have. If you do, then you, will have a good life too, a good marriage. Not a perfect one but one that will stand the test of time.

This is not our forever home. Keep your eyes focused on your Everlasting home and allow God to bring a good guy to you.

It’ll save you a lot of heartache and you won’t have to wonder where all the good guys have gone. You will be married to one.

Today is my last day of being 59 years old. I guess it’s only natural that I am feeling nostalgic. But I’m also feeling sad and a little lonely. This is the first birthday without my dad.

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Don’t get me wrong! I know how blessed I am to have had my dad with me for so many years. A lot of people aren’t nearly as fortunate as I in that, and, I have a bonus…my dad was a good and honorable man who loved God with his whole heart.

I can’t help but to reflect over the past years of my life when Dad was still with us. It has been over four weeks since my dad had a stroke, which set into motion the beginning of his last few days on earth. Three weeks since his spirit left his body to join our Heavenly Father, where Dad will live eternally with Jesus, and with all of his loved ones who have gone before him.

Most days, I am at peace because I know that’s where my dad is. Most days, I am grateful that my dad left while he was in relatively good health and sound mind, and I am grateful today, but still…today, on this last day of my 50s, I miss my dad.

He wasn’t a perfect man nor a perfect dad. He knew that too, because there is only One who is perfect, Jesus. My dad and I weren’t super close as I was growing up. It was after I became an adult that things changed. Was it me? Maybe that’s just the way it was supposed to be for us.

Today, I miss how my dad’s eyes would light up just a little bit when he saw me. I miss how he would tell me I was pretty. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss his hugs and his “Love you” as I was leaving or hanging up the phone. Today, I miss my dad.

There will be more days like these, I’m sure. But for today, I’m going to miss him as I pass from the decade of my 50s into the next. After that, I will go back to being at peace knowing where my dad is, and that I will see him again one day. Until I miss him again. Then I will cry some more due to the pain of the loss of my dad. That is the cycle of grief.

I will rest in His assurance all the while, because I know that this is not my forever home. It was never meant to be, not since the Garden of Eden. From the first breath that we take, we grow closer to our last. Our days are numbered. Some people have more than others but we’re all headed to the end of life on Earth. I want to keep the end game in mind.

As I am turning 60 years old, I will embrace the fact, knowing that I am a day closer, a year or an hour, to the final days of my life in this world. I will use this time wisely. I will keep the end in mind as I conduct my life the way my Heavenly Father has instructed me to live. I will work toward that goal with how I treat others who God has placed in my life.

Relationships matter most. We will be held accountable for how we treated those God put in our lives once we take our final breath.

I’m pretty sure my dad heard those words I long to hear when I finally make it home…”Well done My good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of the Lord” (Matthew 25:23).

For you my friend who is reading these words right this very minute, I pray you feel His presence and to know you are loved with a fierce, never-ending love of an eternal, heavenly Father. Help them, Lord, to realize with an understanding they have never quite grasped before, that we are all headed in the same direction. Some of us will get there sooner than others. Help them long to hear those words too, Lord, once they leave this temporary place. ‘Well done, My child. Well done.”

I was in the shower, washing my hair. I wasn’t asking God for revelations into the goings-on of the world, or even my life. Nope, I was simply washing my hair and minding my own business. That’s when I began listening to God because that’s when He got my attention.

We had the following conversation, God and I. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t audible. It was in my spirit, that place where I hear Him most often and most clearly.

A vision of a painful time appeared in my head, uninvited and not very welcomed. I winced. But then I heard God say to me: ‘Stop. Look at that for a bit. Look really good.”

Me: “Do I have to? I already know what that looks like…feels like. It’s ugly and it’s quite painful, even without the ugliness.”

God: “Yes, I know. It’s both. But I want you to look at it anyway. I want you to take it all in. Don’t run. Don’t hide. It’s real. It happened. You were a part of that. You did that. And it’s ok. Just…look.”

Me: “I’ve spent a lot of time and energy not looking. I’d rather just forget it. It’s not one of my finer moments, nor one of my favorite memories. Did I mention how painful it was? How painful it still is?”

God: “You did and I know. That’s why you need to look at it. You need to feel the emotions those decisions caused. You need to stop running from it. You need to see what it cost, you and others. You need to count the cost. Did it turn out the way you planned? Was it worth it? Did it save and prevent the things you wanted it to?”

Me: “Seriously, no, it didn’t.  I should have invited You into the situation, not blocked You from it. I thought I could make the outcome the way I wanted it. No harm, no foul. Now, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be in this place, stuck in this same place, if I had done things differently…Your way. I’m sorry. Not just for what I did to You by neglecting to invite You in or wait on Your timing and way of doing things but, for what I’ve done overall, and the pain I have caused others by thinking I could do it on my own. I’ve done that a lot, I’m pretty sure, and I am so sorry. It was for a noble cause, but You already know the cause. You also know best how it could have worked out differently. I am so sorry.”

God: “That’s what I wanted you to see but you needed to see that on your own, with Me by your side, in you, around you, with you always. You needed to see that for yourself.”

He is good like that. Patient, waiting for the right time when you are ready. You as an individual and me. I’ve caught glimpses along the way of the things He wanted me to see, but I don’t know that I was ready to see the whole picture for what it truly is until this point in my life, because of all the work. Because of the condition of my heart. Because I’m tired of being stuck and not knowing what to do.

Because He is patient and kind and waiting for to me to be in the place for listening to God.

My article How Ya Feeling? appeared in The Southeast Outlook, September 12th edition.

What is it with people and emotions? Why is it often difficult for many of us to get in touch with our feelings? I am excited about the sermon series How Ya Feeling? that ended last week at Southeast Christian Church. It’s time for Christians to become intentional about emotional wellness and the road less traveled to living a life of wholeness.

I went to my first Christian counselor thirty years ago. It wasn’t something the general population did. Seeing a therapist back in those days was taboo. In fact, it was something you kept quiet. I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell many people at all. If I did, I would have prefaced it with some sort of valid reason or explanation why I felt the need to see a counselor. Otherwise folks would think I was crazy, a nut job or just plain whacked.

The church I attended during that time taught that Jesus was all we needed, and if we needed “outside” help, then we didn’t have enough faith in the work of the cross. I get what they were trying to say but it simply wasn’t true and there was a lot of shame surrounding that message.

Here’s the thing though, when I entered that counselor’s waiting room on two separate occasions, I ran into two other people from the church I attended. I made eye contact with each of these women I knew, but quickly looked away, as if to give them each the privacy they wanted and deserved. At a later time and place, we talked briefly about why we were there and how hard it was to deviate from the norm to go see a counselor in the first place. We were each experiencing things in our lives that we were ill equipped to handle on our own and were willing to take the risk to get the help we needed.

We’ve come a long way from looking down on those who seek the help of a professional. And that’s a good thing, but it seems like we have more work to do when it comes to supporting and encouraging those on the journey of becoming emotionally healthy.

It was God’s idea for us to be whole from the very beginning: 1 Thessalonians 5:23 NSV “May the God of peace himself make you holy in every way. And may your whole being—spirit, soul, and body—remain blameless when our Lord Jesus, the Messiah, appears”. And 3 John 1:2 says; “Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers”. NASB

It would appear, according to these two verses, that God wants our souls well. He wants our entire beings healthy.

God created us with all our emotions. It is we humans who have designated emotions as being positive or negative. I get that most of us would rather be happy and full of joy all the time, instead of being angry and sullen. But here’s the thing…feelings are just feelings. They are fickle and they are fleeting. They can and do change without notice or fanfare. To acknowledge and perhaps talk with someone about our feelings or even journal about the things we are going through or dealing with, takes away the power of those “negative” feelings we experience and allows us to move on.

Why are we so afraid of our emotions? Why do we feel the need to change the reality of what we are going through, and alter the way we feel? The Bible clearly tells us to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen where we are to deny our feelings, pretend they don’t exist and stuff them deep inside with the hope of never having to deal with them.

Feelings, as temporary as they are designed to be, have an uncanny way of showing up in our lives at a later day and time, in the form of ailments and disorders. We bring a lot of stress and anxiety on ourselves because we don’t give proper place to our feelings at the time we experience them.

They tend to show up later in life, often gaining momentum, wielding more power over us than necessary and are sometimes exhibited in inappropriate ways; lashing out in anger, addictions and obsessions, and the inability to sustain meaningful relationships.

So how are you feeling, really? What are some of the emotions you so dislike you’d do anything to avoid dealing with them? Whatever they are, by avoiding and denying them, you are ultimately giving them more power and importance in your life than they merit.

Feelings are just feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. They are what they are, and they come when they come. You get to have a say in whether they become greater and more destructive by how you choose to deal with them.

I speak from experience. I’m a recovering feeling-avoider. Okay, I just made that term up, but still. By the grace of God, and with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives within me, I am now able to identify and acknowledge whatever it is that I feel these days, and to allow myself to feel it. I sometimes choose to share those feelings with a trusted friend or counselor if need be so I can move on.

I think it’s important to hear messages shared from the pulpits of our churches, like How Ya Feeling?, the six-part sermon series taught by Kyle Idleman and Matt Reagan. It helps give us God’s perspective and allows us to live lives of integrity and honor. When we choose to acknowledge our feelings, it allows us to come from a place of peace and assurance that we are who God created us to be. Not how we feel.