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Is This Your Marriage?

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The pastor of our church started a three part series on marriage this weekend. It was a good service, but I left feeling frustrated, as I often do, when the topic is marriage.

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Don’t get me wrong, what Kyle had to say was good. It was right on the money, however, the message was for the general populace. He didn’t talk about those who are married to repeat adulterers, or addicts or alcoholics. To his credit, he DID address the issue of abuse, and encouraged women who are being abused emotionally and verbally, to leave. He spoke strong words to women who are being physically abused and told them to leave in order to keep themselves and their children safe. He assured them the abuse wasn’t their fault and they couldn’t fix their husbands. He offered the help of our church if these women were too afraid to speak out about the hidden lives their were enduring. Well said, Kyle.

My fear and frustration comes from a feeling that there is danger in this kind of message. My concern is that these women who live in exceptional circumstances like that of repeated adultery, alcoholism, and drug and porn addiction, may hear his words and think they just need to have more compassion and be more loving and forgiving.

Kyle gave a fitting illustration, at one point in the message, that the woman needs to give the husband a drink of water when he is in need of one, and to stop making excuses. Then he made the statement (that he accredited to his wife) that the man is drinking from her glass and if her glass is empty, she can’t give him a drink. It’s his job to pour into her glass.

Here’s the thing…it’s not just about the glass being empty or full. In truth, in those situations, it’s about the well and it’s source.

Sometimes the well is in dire need of repair. There is no water in the glass, but way worse than that is the fact that the well is dry. There is no water to give. None for the glass, and none in the well. Even if, by some fluke or happenstance, water somehow finds its way into the well, there are too many cracks and holes for the well to contain the water. In fact, the water will simply run right through the well and seep out all those cracks and holes. Adultery, porn addiction and drug and alcohol abuse eat away at the very interior of the well so much so that the well has to be repaired because there is so much damage.

And sometimes, repairing the well isn’t even possible. Sometimes what really needs to take place is digging a whole new well. Painstakingly and intentionally digging a well because the old one is beyond repair.

In the meantime, the woman may need to take refuge in a safe environment where the water runs pure and clean, because it’s not her job to dig the new well. It’s her job to care for the full glass and give water willingly and lovingly to her husband as the need arises.

I’m not saying that the woman should go and find a new man who has a decent well. She needs to find trusted friends and family who will let her drink from their well as she recovers. She needs to watch and prayerfully wait to see what her husband will do, because maintaining the well is HIS job.

You get that this is a metaphor, right? Ladies, don’t do your husband’s job for him by taking charge of the well. That’s called enabling. Instead, get out of the way. The state of the well is between God and your husband. You can’t fix the well. You didn’t destroy the well.

You can pray.

And you can allow God to work in your heart those things He wants to do…while you watch and wait to see what He desires to do in your marriage, if your husband is willing to take his responsibility to heart and dig a new well.

The man is the head of the home, which means that ultimately he will give an account for the well and how it was (or wasn’t) cared for.

You will answer to God too, on how you tended the glass full of water.

If you are a woman experiencing any of these scenarios, please reach out to someone who will walk with you. If you would like me to pray with or for you, leave a comment or send me an email. You are not alone~

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Where Have All The Good Guys Gone?

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February is the month my dad would have turned 82.With his birthday approaching I am in a state of reflecting.

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It’s been about 2 months since my dad left this world. I miss my dad. It’s different, though, the way I grieve him. Dad led a good life, so, even though I do miss him, I am grateful at the same time.

As I’ve mentioned before, my dad was a good man. He was a man of honor and integrity; a man of his word. A man who loved God and his family.
My dad held firm to traditional values when it came to those things. Maybe it’s because of his age? I’m not sure but, when I think of my dad’s character I wonder where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still around, I know. I see them where I work, which is where I attend church. I watch them closely, especially the younger guys. It catches my attention when I see a young husband cherishing his wife and children. It catches my attention when I see that his relationship with Jesus the most important relationship in his life. I watch him as he cultivates that relationship and makes sure he does nothing to jeopardize his walk with Christ.

It naturally follows that his relationship with his wife is next in line of importance. As long as he values his relationship with the Father, then he will remain committed to his wife and do nothing to jeopardize that relationship either, because to do so would be grievous toward God and would affect that relationship. A wise man knows this is true.

When I watch this young husband, I see a man who knows his children are the greatest gifts on Earth. To cherish his relationship with God first, and his wife second, it naturally follows that he would cherish his relationship with his children and do nothing to jeopardize those either. It’s all about family and God.

Where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still here. Granted they may be few and far between but, where I sit, they are alive and well.

I see couples who genuinely and honestly love each other because they genuinely, honestly and purposely follow Jesus. You can’t really have one without the other. Because not to have a relationship with Jesus as the most important relationship in your life makes the relationship with your wife subject to things outside. Things that come unexpectedly. Things that may tempt, things that look exciting and fun, things that may promise happiness but they are false, empty promises, unable to fulfill or last.

Where have all the good guys gone?

They’re still here, full of honor and integrity, just like my dad. So, I speak to the young woman who feels so alone because all your friends are part of a couple. They’re married and having babies. You’re tempted to settle.

Don’t! Do. Not. Settle. Though it may be hard, wait for the man whose relationship with God is the most important relationship that he will ever have. If you do, then you, will have a good life too, a good marriage. Not a perfect one but one that will stand the test of time.

This is not our forever home. Keep your eyes focused on your Everlasting home and allow God to bring a good guy to you.

It’ll save you a lot of heartache and you won’t have to wonder where all the good guys have gone. You will be married to one.

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Sowing and Reaping

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I was raised in a church that talked about sowing and reaping, a law of nature instituted and created by God. Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

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It’s easy, they say. A farmer sows corn kernels, placing them carefully in the ground according to the determined depth and the optimal amount of space between each seed, covering them gently, yet firmly patting the soil over top. Then the farmer lets nature do it’s work. Sun and rain mixed with the passing of time will produce a crop of corn unless some unplanned, unforeseen event takes place. That’s the law of sowing and reaping.

Sowing and reaping carries over into the spiritual world as well. It’s a God-given statute; what a person sows they will reap the harvest thereof, in life, in relationships, in business.

I recently heard good message. Although the message wasn’t about sowing and reaping per se, the pastor did touch on the subject. I thought I knew what to expect and where he was going.

He said that some people who were listening to him speak feared this sowing and reaping concept. Those people had sown bad seeds of hatred, greed, lust and selfishness. Hearing that they would reap those things they had sown wasn’t a pleasant thought. In fact, it was rather scary.

Then he said that there are others who were putting their hope in this law of nature because they had sown seeds of kindness, love, hope and goodness. Therefore, those people had hope in the harvest that was to come.

I sat there waiting for the next option, wondering what he would say. I had never really thought about sowing and reaping in this way before so I was anxious to hear what more he had to say. Because I knew that there had to be more to it.

He didn’t say another thing about it.

I was frustrated, wondering about the people who had sown good things, faithfulness, trustworthiness, honesty, integrity and love, yet the harvest they reaped wasn’t any of those things. What about those people? They don’t fit into either of those categories, so what about them? It’s not as black and white as the choices he laid out. It’s simply not that cut and dry.

Here’s what I came up with, left to my own devices, although I did talk with a couple of people about it. When a farmer sows the seeds and begins to see those plants poke through the ground, he also sees weeds as well. In fact, there are usually a lot of weeds that come up naturally, seeds the farmer didn’t sow. That’s another law of nature. It’s not fair. It doesn’t seem right but it happens just the same.

That’s the other category. We can’t forget that there are weeds that we reap even though we didn’t plant them. We put good seeds in the ground but sometimes we get weeds…a lot of weeds.

My conclusion is that perhaps the harvest we have sown won’t even be realized in this life. Maybe some of the seeds we sow today will not be reaped until we leave this world. Maybe we are sowing a crop for the life that comes next, the one we spend eternally in the presence of the Father and His Son, Jesus.

Whatever the case may be, sowing good seeds is important even if we don’t reap the things we thought we would see in this lifetime. Keep sowing good seeds and in due time, you will reap the harvest.

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Turning 60

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Today is my last day of being 59 years old. I guess it’s only natural that I am feeling nostalgic. But I’m also feeling sad and a little lonely. This is the first birthday without my dad.

Don’t get me wrong! I know how blessed I am to have had my dad with me for so many years. A lot of people aren’t nearly as fortunate as I in that, and, I have a bonus…my dad was a good and honorable man who loved God with his whole heart.

I can’t help but to reflect over the past years of my life when Dad was still with us. It has been over four weeks since my dad had a stroke, which set into motion the beginning of his last few days on earth. Three weeks since his spirit left his body to join our Heavenly Father, where Dad will live eternally with Jesus, and with all of his loved ones who have gone before him.

Most days, I am at peace because I know that’s where my dad is. Most days, I am grateful that my dad left while he was in relatively good health and sound mind, and I am grateful today, but still…today, on this last day of my 50s, I miss my dad.

He wasn’t a perfect man nor a perfect dad. He knew that too, because there is only One who is perfect, Jesus. My dad and I weren’t super close as I was growing up. It was after I became an adult that things changed. Was it me? Maybe that’s just the way it was supposed to be for us.

Today, I miss how my dad’s eyes would light up just a little bit when he saw me. I miss how he would tell me I was pretty. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss his hugs and his “Love you” as I was leaving or hanging up the phone. Today, I miss my dad.

There will be more days like these, I’m sure. But for today, I’m going to miss him as I pass from the decade of my 50s into the next. After that, I will go back to being at peace knowing where my dad is, and that I will see him again one day. Until I miss him again. Then I will cry some more due to the pain of the loss of my dad. That is the cycle of grief.

I will rest in His assurance all the while, because I know that this is not my forever home. It was never meant to be, not since the Garden of Eden. From the first breath that we take, we grow closer to our last. Our days are numbered. Some people have more than others but we’re all headed to the end of life on Earth. I want to keep the end game in mind.

As I am turning 60 years old, I will embrace the fact, knowing that I am a day closer, a year or an hour, to the final days of my life in this world. I will use this time wisely. I will keep the end in mind as I conduct my life the way my Heavenly Father has instructed me to live. I will work toward that goal with how I treat others who God has placed in my life.

Relationships matter most. We will be held accountable for how we treated those God put in our lives once we take our final breath.

I’m pretty sure my dad heard those words I long to hear when I finally make it home…”Well done My good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of the Lord” (Matthew 25:23).

For you my friend who is reading these words right this very minute, I pray you feel His presence and to know you are loved with a fierce, never-ending love of an eternal, heavenly Father. Help them, Lord, to realize with an understanding they have never quite grasped before, that we are all headed in the same direction. Some of us will get there sooner than others. Help them long to hear those words too, Lord, once they leave this temporary place. ‘Well done, My child. Well done.”

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Legacy of a Father

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The last two weeks have been hard. Especially the week before Christmas, sitting in a hospital room in the ICU, waiting for my dad to leave this world. That was hard.

My dad was a unique and special man who lived his life well.

I have always known my dad was a good man but the full picture was made known to me last week. Stringing together his life and how he chose to live underlined, for me, the beauty of who my dad was. He took good care of my mom and loved her so well. His love for his family, immediate and extended (even in-laws ) was something I watched all my life. He was an amazing grandfather. My kids- all of his grandchildren- knew they were loved by him. Not because he did anything special, but simply because he always went out of his way to let them know they were loved.

I listened to all the kind words people said about my dad…at the visitation and the funeral, how special he was, I felt special to have had such a man for my dad. My dad left a legacy full of love for family, a life of faith, integrity, honesty and loyalty.

That’s when it hit me…not only do I have a rich heritage lived out before my eyes all during my life, but I am doubly blessed. I also have a legacy that is eternal. A legacy from the Father through Jesus Christ His Son, the most important legacy of them all.

The goodness of my earthly father doesn’t hold a candle to my heavenly Father. My earthly dad is gone from this world. I will see him again one day, but my heavenly Father…well He is always with me. He promised each of us that He would never leave us alone.

I find great comfort in that promise. This is a crazy, jacked up world. Anything can happen to anyone of us at any time and our time on earth will come to an end. It will you know. We’ve all been given a number of days that doesn’t eve compare to the life after this.

Two great legacies that I am honored to be a recipient of, but none as great as the eternal love of the Father above. For you and for me.

May 2020 be a year where you live intentionally in all that you do and love fully in all the special relationships in your lives. Most importantly, may you experience personally the love of the Father and find meaning and purpose through His Son Jesus.


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Lingering

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It seems that I am in a time of lingering. I guess life has many moments where we wait for something to take place. This lingering spot is new to me. Last week my dad teetered between life and death. There was a lot of watching; a lot of time spent in the hospital…lingering.

And now he’s gone.

We await the visitation and funeral which will happen after Christmas.

Lingering still…

Going through Christmas gatherings is a means to get to the good-bye days we will experience with this man we hold so dear in our hearts, as we hover between the two. There is little excitement for Christmas this year. It’s more like something to get past so we can say our formal good-byes to my dad. We each said our final good-bye while he was still with us, in body anyway.

This lingering is a foreshadow of sorts. We are all lingering. We are all growing older, and one day it will be my kids who feel what I’m feeling now. But here’s the thing, that’s the way it was designed before the first man took his first breath. God knew~

I’m not saying that I understand it all. Not even close. I AM saying that I don’t always like it. But I know that my dad believed with all his heart and soul that he would spend eternity with our Father and His Son, Jesus. I am my father’s daughter. I believe so too.

That is the hope that I hold onto, that not only will I see my dad and all my loved ones who have passed, but I will live with them forever. And this life that has way too many pains and sorrows for my taste, will be over.

I know the One Who gives life. I hope while you’re lingering here on earth, you will live your life with the end in mind and come to know the Father too, through a relationship with Jesus, His Son

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What Then? Part 2

faith

Continuing from the last post:

And that’s what makes this hard. It is sin. Just more acceptable because it can be dressed up, hidden or paraded about as righteousness. I am a sinner, the same as the person who has such obvious hatred in their hearts that they openly show it for all the world to see. I am the same as that person. I only look better because I do those things that the Lord has taught. I obey the law, attend church, spend time with God, tithe. I do all those things that make me holy, but they are as filthy rags. Because in my heart, if I am honest, I think God owes me a decent life because of my righteousness. As it is written: There is no one righteous, not even one. Romans 3:10.

Dang it!

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It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else, on a conscious level. I don’t. I’m a sinner saved by grace. That’s what makes this sin so deceptive. I don’t know what I don’t know. I truly love God. I desire to follow after His ways and seek to do His will. But in my heart, I am a sinner. In the deep recesses of my soul, there lies the things that I have neglected, but I didn’t know I wasn’t paying attention. There lies those “acceptable” sins because no one knows about them. Not even me, until recently.

This isn’t to heap additional guilt on you who probably already carry more than you were intended to carry. This isn’t to make me feel better about myself by exposing your hidden sins. This is to say; “Yeah, me too”. I have sin that I didn’t know was there. I look way more righteous than I am. Not because I set out to deceive you. I am deceived myself.

I have looked inside my heart because of the circumstances of my life and have found pride, resentment and a sense of entitlement that I had no idea was there. Thank you, Faces of Christ retreat and Charles Martin, author of What If It’s True? I could have gone on living just the way I was, thank you very much. Letting people think that I am holy, as He is holy because He abides in me, and I in Him.

I have looked at the ugliness that lives in my heart. I have even told others about this discovery. The first time was truly painful, but I have found that it gets easier each time I feel the need to share.

I’m tired of me and the junk in my life that keeps me stuck. I want to be free from the pettiness, and the shame of sin that so easily finds a place to dwell. And I think God for His love and grace because He wants that for me too. I think He wants it for you as well.

He wants us free to be who He created us to be:

Vessels of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus walking the earth today.

Conduits for His gifts.

Forgiveness for our sins. Those blatant, in your face kind of sins, and the ones we need never share.

Especially the ones we need never share.

 

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What Then?

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“What if we believed it was true? Every single word that Jesus ever spoke. Every word that is written and recorded in the Bible for our example, edification and encouragement. What if we believed that those words were written to withstand the test of time, and they are just as applicable to us who live today, as much as they were to those who lived in the times in which they were written?

What if we believed them that way?

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I have just finished listening to What If It’s True? a book by Charles Martin, for the second time. I have actually read parts of it as well, especially the prayers he wrote and placed at the end of each chapter. During this time of reading (listening) to this book, I attended a Faces of Christ retreat. Not what I expected, but in a good way. Well, let me qualify that statement…in a good way if you really want to look at the junk that has been tucked away in your heart for many years, that you have conveniently forgotten about because, well, it’s ugly, and if the truth be told, not as justifiable as you would like it to be.

Don’t get me wrong…I haven’t committed murder, adultery or broken any of the Ten Commandments. Wait, that’s not true. I am sinner, a human in desperate need of the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Me, the keeper of the Ten Commandments…well, the “big” ones, anyway.

Here’s the thing though, that has kept me from the truth buried in my heart, I have tried to live my life in such a way that will bring glory and honor to my Father whom I love and desire to serve with every fiber of my being. I spend time with Him, yielding my life and heart to what He says in His word, as to how I am to live and conduct my life.

Therein lies the problem. Because I have done those things that He taught, I have developed (and buried deep within) an entitlement mentality. I didn’t intend to do that. I didn’t even know it was there but, if truth be told, I think God owes me a good life, a decent one at the very least. I didn’t even that was folded deep inside my inner being.

But it’s true and it’s ugly.

It’s not something I want you or anyone else to know about me. Heck, I just realized this about myself and was quite shocked, but it’s there, nonetheless.

Why am I telling you these things? Why would I want you to know such prideful painful parts of who I am? I don’t really. I would rather you think that I am a holy servant of the Most High God. And I am and will continue to pursue Him as long as there is life in me. But I figure that if I have encountered these ugly, painful truths about myself, then I’m probably not the only one. Perhaps you, well, not you exactly, but maybe the person sitting beside you who is reading this post too, has had an inkling that maybe they harbor similar (acceptable) sins as well.”

I wrote the above post a few weeks ago but wasn’t sure how I was going to use it. I decided here was the perfect place. It’s a little longer than my usual posts so I will post the remainder of the article tomorrow, so come back and see how I wrap it up! 😉

 

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Listening to God

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I was in the shower, washing my hair. I wasn’t asking God for revelations into the goings-on of the world, or even my life. Nope, I was simply washing my hair and minding my own business. That’s when I began listening to God because that’s when He got my attention.

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We had the following conversation, God and I. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t audible. It was in my spirit, that place where I hear Him most often and most clearly.

A vision of a painful time appeared in my head, uninvited and not very welcomed. I winced. But then I heard God say to me: ‘Stop. Look at that for a bit. Look really good.”

Me: “Do I have to? I already know what that looks like…feels like. It’s ugly and it’s quite painful, even without the ugliness.”

God: “Yes, I know. It’s both. But I want you to look at it anyway. I want you to take it all in. Don’t run. Don’t hide. It’s real. It happened. You were a part of that. You did that. And it’s ok. Just…look.”

Me: “I’ve spent a lot of time and energy not looking. I’d rather just forget it. It’s not one of my finer moments, nor one of my favorite memories. Did I mention how painful it was? How painful it still is?”

God: “You did and I know. That’s why you need to look at it. You need to feel the emotions those decisions caused. You need to stop running from it. You need to see what it cost, you and others. You need to count the cost. Did it turn out the way you planned? Was it worth it? Did it save and prevent the things you wanted it to?”

Me: “Seriously, no, it didn’t.  I should have invited You into the situation, not blocked You from it. I thought I could make the outcome the way I wanted it. No harm, no foul. Now, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be in this place, stuck in this same place, if I had done things differently…Your way. I’m sorry. Not just for what I did to You by neglecting to invite You in or wait on Your timing and way of doing things but, for what I’ve done overall, and the pain I have caused others by thinking I could do it on my own. I’ve done that a lot, I’m pretty sure, and I am so sorry. It was for a noble cause, but You already know the cause. You also know best how it could have worked out differently. I am so sorry.”

God: “That’s what I wanted you to see but you needed to see that on your own, with Me by your side, in you, around you, with you always. You needed to see that for yourself.”

He is good like that. Patient, waiting for the right time when you are ready. You as an individual and me. I’ve caught glimpses along the way of the things He wanted me to see, but I don’t know that I was ready to see the whole picture for what it truly is until this point in my life, because of all the work. Because of the condition of my heart. Because I’m tired of being stuck and not knowing what to do.

Because He is patient and kind and waiting for to me to be in the place for listening to God.

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Nothing More Than Feelings

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My article How Ya Feeling? appeared in The Southeast Outlook, September 12th edition.

What is it with people and emotions? Why is it often difficult for many of us to get in touch with our feelings? I am excited about the sermon series How Ya Feeling? that ended last week at Southeast Christian Church. It’s time for Christians to become intentional about emotional wellness and the road less traveled to living a life of wholeness.

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I went to my first Christian counselor thirty years ago. It wasn’t something the general population did. Seeing a therapist back in those days was taboo. In fact, it was something you kept quiet. I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell many people at all. If I did, I would have prefaced it with some sort of valid reason or explanation why I felt the need to see a counselor. Otherwise folks would think I was crazy, a nut job or just plain whacked.

The church I attended during that time taught that Jesus was all we needed, and if we needed “outside” help, then we didn’t have enough faith in the work of the cross. I get what they were trying to say but it simply wasn’t true and there was a lot of shame surrounding that message.

Here’s the thing though, when I entered that counselor’s waiting room on two separate occasions, I ran into two other people from the church I attended. I made eye contact with each of these women I knew, but quickly looked away, as if to give them each the privacy they wanted and deserved. At a later time and place, we talked briefly about why we were there and how hard it was to deviate from the norm to go see a counselor in the first place. We were each experiencing things in our lives that we were ill equipped to handle on our own and were willing to take the risk to get the help we needed.

We’ve come a long way from looking down on those who seek the help of a professional. And that’s a good thing, but it seems like we have more work to do when it comes to supporting and encouraging those on the journey of becoming emotionally healthy.

It was God’s idea for us to be whole from the very beginning: 1 Thessalonians 5:23 NSV “May the God of peace himself make you holy in every way. And may your whole being—spirit, soul, and body—remain blameless when our Lord Jesus, the Messiah, appears”. And 3 John 1:2 says; “Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers”. NASB

It would appear, according to these two verses, that God wants our souls well. He wants our entire beings healthy.

God created us with all our emotions. It is we humans who have designated emotions as being positive or negative. I get that most of us would rather be happy and full of joy all the time, instead of being angry and sullen. But here’s the thing…feelings are just feelings. They are fickle and they are fleeting. They can and do change without notice or fanfare. To acknowledge and perhaps talk with someone about our feelings or even journal about the things we are going through or dealing with, takes away the power of those “negative” feelings we experience and allows us to move on.

Why are we so afraid of our emotions? Why do we feel the need to change the reality of what we are going through, and alter the way we feel? The Bible clearly tells us to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen where we are to deny our feelings, pretend they don’t exist and stuff them deep inside with the hope of never having to deal with them.

Feelings, as temporary as they are designed to be, have an uncanny way of showing up in our lives at a later day and time, in the form of ailments and disorders. We bring a lot of stress and anxiety on ourselves because we don’t give proper place to our feelings at the time we experience them.

They tend to show up later in life, often gaining momentum, wielding more power over us than necessary and are sometimes exhibited in inappropriate ways; lashing out in anger, addictions and obsessions, and the inability to sustain meaningful relationships.

So how are you feeling, really? What are some of the emotions you so dislike you’d do anything to avoid dealing with them? Whatever they are, by avoiding and denying them, you are ultimately giving them more power and importance in your life than they merit.

Feelings are just feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. They are what they are, and they come when they come. You get to have a say in whether they become greater and more destructive by how you choose to deal with them.

I speak from experience. I’m a recovering feeling-avoider. Okay, I just made that term up, but still. By the grace of God, and with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives within me, I am now able to identify and acknowledge whatever it is that I feel these days, and to allow myself to feel it. I sometimes choose to share those feelings with a trusted friend or counselor if need be so I can move on.

I think it’s important to hear messages shared from the pulpits of our churches, like How Ya Feeling?, the six-part sermon series taught by Kyle Idleman and Matt Reagan. It helps give us God’s perspective and allows us to live lives of integrity and honor. When we choose to acknowledge our feelings, it allows us to come from a place of peace and assurance that we are who God created us to be. Not how we feel.

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