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What If I Got It All Wrong?

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What if I missed it? What if I got it all wrong or looked at it the wrong way for, well…most of my adult life? What if you have too?

Don’t get me wrong, There is no condemnation. I am not here to bring hellfire and damnation. I am not here to lament and regret, wail and gnash teeth. But what if the things you have gone through are for a different reason than what you thought?

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I am here to explore the idea. Right here in this space. What if I missed what God was trying to show me all these years, and am just now seeing clearly? I’m not saying that I’ve missed it all, that I haven’t grown in my relationship with Jesus, but what if what He has been showing me along the way has led me to this place that I never even considered?

God has been peeling back the layers, gently, slowly, sweetly, because He knows me.

I’m not saying this is what’s going on in YOUR life, because I don’t know you that well. But I know Him, or at least I’m coming to know who He is more intimately in my life as I follow after Him.

The sermon at my church last Sunday was really good. Matt Reagan, the associate pastor at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky, used an analogy of a house renovation with allowing God to rework our lives.

 

It was a really good sermon because of his really good analogy. It’s hard work, tearing up a room to make it better. It’s messy work. Matt said that for he and his wife, the mess is worth it as long as they can live with the mess while keeping their eyes on the goal…the new room. To recap what Matt said:

Renovations are hard and messy. The Father (Son and Holy Spirit) are not overwhelmed, mad or confused about the renovations that need to be done in lives and our hearts. He is looking to the finished product of who we are becoming as we yield to the handy work He is doing. Matt also told us that whoever keeps the commands of the Father is the one who loves Him. Feed yourself on the Word of God, he said. Figure out what He is saying and follow Him. That is how our love for Him is measured.
This brings me back to the original question. What if the past few decades of my life wasn’t about what I thought it was? What if God was using those things to get me to the place He wants me to be…the place He needs me to be? What if I’m the only one who can fulfill the plan that He has for my life and the only way that can happen is if He renovates those things in my life that need to be changed.

 

It was hard at first, grasping this thing He is doing in my life. It’s not a new thing. I’m just looking at it from a totally different view point than I have ever looked before. What if, in spite of all the pain and stress of the things going on around me, He is bringing me to this new place on purpose, for His purpose.
What if He’s doing that in your life too?
What would that look like?
And how will you respond?

 

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Do You Hold On To The Past?

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I was going through some old stuff, things that make up a growing family. I was throwing things away that didn’t seem to matter and dividing the things that appeared to in piles for each family member to look at and decide if they wanted to keep what was rightfully theirs. My hope is to dwindle my keepsakes, but to be honest, if they don’t want them, I might still hold on to all the things of the past. So what is the point really?

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And another truth not to be overlooked is that one day (only God knows when) I will be called home and those people who are going through the stuff now, will be going through the stuff again when that day comes. That day will come for each of us, not matter how much we hold on.

Why do we hold on to stuff? I get not all people do. Some people take a picture and toss it into the trash as soon as the event is over. They may hold on in their hearts, but the commemorative is of no consequence.  Others don’t even bother with a photo of the memento. It’s over, in the trash, next!

I’m not one of those people.

I also get that I haven’t thought about some of those memories in a very long time, not until the stuff took me down the lane that holds the secrets to days gone by. Is that why I keep it, to be reminded of where I was, what I have grown through and how I felt in the moment?

Sometimes I have such a strong yearning for the things of the past that I can’t even find the words to express it. Some memories are so incredibly sweet that the longing grows stronger. Others leave me raw, ripped open wide and deep, pulsating with every breath I take.

While riffling through the boxes, piece by aged piece, I came across a quote I had written down to remember. As I read these words they resonated afresh and anew: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past”. (After doing research, I’m not sure who originally penned those words but I heard them from Anne Lamott).

Is that why we hold on to things, because we want to change the past? Is holding on to the tangible equivalent to holding on to the things that have come and gone, whether good or bad? Do these things represent holding on to what was and can never be changed?

I’m not sure if that is what I’m doing, but if so, then I pray; Dear Father God, help me to let go of anything that keeps me tied to the past. No matter how good or how bad, it is gone. All we have is today, this moment. Help me, help us to live in the moment and trust You with our whole hearts. Forgive us for holding on to the past because it was better than today, and forgive us for holding on to all the injustices, unfairness and abuse that has occurred in our lives. Those things keep us stuck. I don’t want to be stuck, Lord, but more importantly, You don’t want us stuck. Help us to open our hearts to what You have for us today. Amen.

What are you holding on to?

 

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Talking With TyiaLynn

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I have started having conversations with different people, like my friends Megan and Trevor

Please join in my conversation with TyiaLynn, the founder of Critically Loved. She shared the struggles of dealing with a critically ill child and is using all the education, family struggles, grief and anxiety that surround this issue to help other people going through similar situations.

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Please listen to see how you can support TyiaLynn is this needed ministry and listen with an ear to connect others in need to this amazing and most importantly, Jesus.

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Talking With Megan

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I had the honor of talking with my friend Megan a few days ago. She is a beautiful, brilliant and insightful woman, with just a little bit of life experience. I hope you listen and find things from our talk that help you with your journey.

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Talking With Trevor

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So, I started a new thing; Talking With A Friend. I have conversations via Zoom with various people (Megan} {TyiaLynn} in hopes of bringing you hope and encouragement. God can do great things in ways we cannot even imagine.

This first conversation is with a co-worker, a young man who has been blessed with leadership abilities and God-given people skills. The next conversation, which I will post later, is with his mother Megan.

I am excited about this new venture. I have a growing list with people who have different stories or new adventures. I hope you will be blessed as you join in.

This first video is pretty bad camera skills on my part. Please excuse the look and just listen. I learned a little more by the second conversation.

Let me know what you think and how I can pray for you.

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Betrayal

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Have you ever been betrayed? If so, then you know up close and personal the emotional suffering that goes along with betrayal.

I recently read a book called Beyond Betrayal by Phil Waldrep. I just stumbled upon this book and it’s author quite by accident, but not really, because I’m pretty sure God had some things for me to glean from this book.

Phil Waldrep tells about a painful part of his story involving betrayal. He gets the point across that it doesn’t matter if the betrayal came about because of a friend, a spouse, a business partner or another family member. The act of being betrayed, no matter the circumstances, leaves one feeling the same gamut of emotions, no matter who was involved. Each individual will experience those emotions differently, but a commonality still remains.

This book is a good read, especially if you were betrayed by someone close and you are having a hard time processing and moving on. The words in this book give you permission to be okay with exactly where you are, knowing that exactly where you are right now, won’t be the place you will land when the processing dust settles.

This book helps you to see that it’s okay to be where you are for as long as you need to be there, knowing that you are not alone. Many people have walked this road before you, but most importantly, you don’t have to go through this probing, sometimes gut-wrenching ordeal alone.

This book helps you invite God into the healing process as you journey on. Beyond Betrayal sheds new light on an old problem leaving the reader feeling hopeful, no matter how devastated the betrayal left them.

If you are looking for help in dealing with the heartache that betrayal has caused, then I highly recommend this book.

If you have experienced betrayal and would like to talk about it, please reach out. We can make that happen. Or if you would like me to pray for/with you, I would be honored to do so

Disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link. If you purchase the book from the link provided here, I will receive a commission.

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Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day 2020. I was remembering just yesterday my very first Mother’s Day in 1990. I was pregnant with my first child. After ten years of marriage I was finally pregnant and grateful beyond words.

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We had gathered with my parents and my youngest brother after church to go to lunch. I remember as we were leaving the restaurant, the wait staff handing my mother a rose, and then they handed one to me. I was a little surprised. I wasn’t a mother yet, I thought, as I mumbled something to that effect, I was only expecting. I was assured by those around me that yes, I was a mother, and this was indeed my first Mother’s Day.

It did not seem right to me at the time, thinking that I hadn’t earned the right to that title. I hadn’t put in the sleepless nights while tending to a newborn or nursing a sick child. I hadn’t worried over the hurt feelings of a child who had been left out of a game or a party. I hadn’t spent any nights as of yet, pretending to sleep until I heard my teenager come in from a night out. I hadn’t done any of those things, and yet, I was a mother.

And then I thought of all those women who longed so desperately to become a mother and it never manifested as the years rolled by and the clock ticked on. I had been there myself for those ten long years full of heartache and dreams. And that’s when I knew that being a mother wasn’t about putting in the time or bringing a baby into the world. It was more about pouring into the life of a child regardless if you were the birth mother, a relative or someone who chose to love a child just because.

I was a part of a prayer group on Friday via Zoom of course, and one of the participants prayed a prayer over mothers-all women really, whether they were ever pregnant or gave birth to a child. The words spoken resonated as I remembered…

It may or may not take a village to raise a child, but it does take a willing heart, an open mind and a decision to love as a mother does–with her whole heart.

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Kentucky Derby

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May 2, 2020 dawned bright and clear. The first Saturday in May has boasted the Kentucky Derby continuously since 1875. But not this year.

The Run for the Roses has been postponed until Saturday, September 5, 2020, one of two times the Kentucky Derby has been reschedule in the history of this horse racing tradition. The reason the Derby has been pushed back to the end of summer is, as you know, due to Covid 19.

Today was nearly perfect weather for a day at The Downs. The sky is a vivid blue, with a wispy white cloud appearing every now and then. The sun shining brightly with not a chance for rain. It’s a little windy, which would have affected those sometimes-over-the-top Derby hats, but record crowds would have attended this year, if not for the virus. The paddocks would have been bursting at the seams and the infield- a shoulder to shoulder sea of people.

Churchill Downs Twin Spires Stock Pictures, Royalty-free Photos ...

How do I know this? Well, I was born and raised and continue to reside in Louisville, Kentucky. But here’s the thing, I’ve never attended the Derby. I used to go to the tracks with my best friend and her dad when I was a kid, but never the Kentucky Derby.

I actually have a love-hate relationship with this leg of the Triple Crown and all the activities leading up to the first Saturday in May. I have been to several annual events that precede the Derby. The Great Steamboat Race, the Pegasus Parade, the air show, and the biggest fireworks display in North America-Thunder Over Louisville- but never the race itself.

Thunder Over Louisville Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock


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Over the years, I have attended Derby parties, which is a thing in Louisville, but more often than not, you can usually find me at home, working in the yard, or occasionally checking in on the festivities via whatever channel is covering the day at the races.

And usually at some point during the day, I feel a wave of loneliness and a sense of missing out. I get that I can always make plans to go if I wanted, but so far, I guess I haven’t wanted enough to do so. This year, not once have I had that old familiar feeling tugging on the inside. Nothing to miss out on.

Going to the Kentucky Derby is on my bucket list. It’s an easy scratch off, I know. Maybe I will attend one year, and squelch those feelings that come around the first Saturday in May.

But not this year.

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I Still Believe

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“Even when I don’t believe, I still believe”. That’s a line from the song (and movie) by Jeremy Camp, I Still Believe. I’ve heard the line in that song like a gazillion times. but I finally heard it while watching the movie.

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Of course there is a scripture in the New Testament that says the same thing in a different way. Mark 9:24 says Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”

That line from the song resonated with where I am today and have often been in my life. Have you ever experienced something so big, so overwhelming that you couldn’t even pray more that these three words; “Lord, help me”? Yeah, me too.

There have been times in my life when it took every ounce of strength I had to utter those three words. I felt defeated and hopeless. I felt like giving up. But then it would hit me, where else would I go? Who else can do anything for me, to me, in me? No one but the only One Who can.

“Even when I don’t believe, I still believe.”

That line is fitting for the Covid 19 pandemic that we are currently experiencing. There are a lot of people and just as many opinions about the why and how of this extremely contagious virus. In the midst of all the chaos of the Coronavirsus people are turning to God that have written Him off a long time ago, for whatever reason.

On the other hand, this pandemic has caused many to wavier in their faith, wondering where God is in the midst of all the suffering and death. How could a loving God allow such a tragedy to happen, they wonder.

I get that, I do. I don’t know the answer to that question. I don’t know the answer to a lot of questions. Why were so many Jewish people abused and put to death for no other reason but their ethnicity? Why do innocence children fall into harm’s way? Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?

I’m not diminishing nor comparing. Horrible things happen to good people, and I don’t know why. But I choose to trust. What else is there really? In the chaos of this present day, and all the horrific times that have occurred before, “Even when I don’t believe, I still believe/”

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Does He Have What It Takes?

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“I don’t know if he has what it takes to restore the trust or to repair the brokenness of our marriage”, said the distraught woman sitting beside me. I found myself leaning in just a little more because it seemed like she was on the verge of a break-through.

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I was sitting with this new friend of mine, while she spoke of her troubled marriage. She continued telling me the things that were in her heart, “I think he wants to save the marriage and bring restoration to our family. I think his intentions are good, but I don’t know if it’s a part of who he is right now. He has to become completely devoted to God in order to bring about the healing that only He can bring. It’s just that it’s going to take a special person to be able to hang in there and repair the damage, the devastation that has been done to me and our marriage. It’s like he’s forgotten about my pain in his quest to get well, and to alleviate his shame.”

She was being brutally open and honest. She seemed willing to allow God to do whatever He wanted to do in their marriage…in her heart, really. She kept on talking.

“It would take a selfless person to be all in. It calls for a man who is willing to put his wife’s needs above his own. A man who is able to let go of his right to be offended. Truthfully, none of us have that right as Christ followers. It takes letting go of your right to be anything except giving, loving and always there, always present no matter how long it takes or how painful it may be for him to hear, knowing that it was way more painful for me to live.”

She’s right, it does take a special kind of man. With all the affairs and betrayal in our sex-focused society I’m pretty sure she’s not the only one who is facing this heart-wrenching situation. This woman who sat before me pouring her heart out is shattered because of the betrayal that she has experienced in her marriage, by the one person she trusted most.

Coming to grips with the fact that this man isn’t the person she thought she had married, and all the lies. What does it all mean, this life they had built together? What does any of it mean? What does intimacy mean now? What do all the years mean if he wasn’t fully present because he was so wrapped up in his “needs”?

I sat in silence as I listened to her pour our her heart. It will take a lot of pouring out in order for complete healing to manifest. Healing has started, but every time her husband chooses to go with his feelings instead of tending to hers is a wasted opportunity for him to help in the healing process. Every time he doesn’t follow through on even the most mundane thing that needs to be done, is a chance not taken to help build trust.

I don’t know the answer to this woman’s dilemma, or all the other women who find themselves in her shoes. It’s going to be a hard road. It might even be easier on the man to take the usual way out, to start all over with someone new. But is that what God wants?

Ultimately, what God wants is all that really matters. And if her husband is who she thought he was when they first married, he will rise to the task at hand and allow God to work the healing she needs through his words, actions and deeds.

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